Turmoil

In the past eight hours I've broken two of my never-before-defined Golden Rules for an Easy Life.

First, I stayed up much too late for my own good. I had some friends over for food and games and it went on far too long but it was absolutely worth it.

Second, I let my paranoia get the better of me and I read a few text messages on my daughter's phone. In the past, I promised her and myself that her phone would be private and I wouldn't snoop on her conversations, but I had my reasons and I hope to justify them here.

Last week, I received word that daughter's mother had finally been given her marching orders from her ex-boyfriends house and had skipped town. While this initially caused some confusion and threw her Boxing Day meeting with daughter into doubt, I wasn't surprised or particularly displeased by the news. There's been very little contact between mother and daughter for the past eight weeks since mother and boyfriend actually split up - maybe a couple of text messages in one day a few weeks ago, but otherwise nothing. Nothing, that is, until Sunday evening.

We were relaxing playing Wii and daughter sent out a chain text she'd got and within a few minutes she was exchanging messages with her mum. This bugged me a bit - more on this another time - but she was obviously pleased to hear from her and I love having a happy daughter so I left them to it. She asked permission to go shopping with her mum today at midday and I granted it without much thought.

On waking this morning I got an email from her mother's ex saying 'Urgent. I heard mother is taking daughter shopping tomorrow. I'm praying this isn't true. I'll call you tomorrow.' It sounded very ominous and I felt my stomach drop. Thoughts of abduction or coersion raced through my mind and the thought occured there might be more to this text conversation than daughter was letting on. It was here I decided to have a look at her phone to make sure nothing untoward was being planned.

I've only ever snooped on her phone once before in very similar circumstances, but that time I went too far and read messages which were outside of the scope of my investigation. I regretted doing it because a couple of tiny things I read exploded in my mind and caused me all kinds of internal anguish. I told myself then that I'd not do anything like that again and this time I stuck to that and only read the conversation between daughter and mother. I still feel guilty for doing so but I think having your child's best interests at heart is some justification.

Unfortunately, I read a couple of things which have caused me great discomfort. Apparently mother is back in town and has 'a nice flat in town perfect for us' which... well... hurts like fuck. Is she really going to try and take daughter back on? What the hell would I do if she does? Daughter will want to go back and I won't be able to stop her without being the villain. The fact that daughter even wants to go back disturbs me deeply - does she really want to go back to shouting and hitting and slave-driving and lies? I'm making it sound over-dramatic but this is the picture that's been painted over the past couple of years and yes, it does seem as if she wants to go back to that. It makes me feel absolutely awful, that I'm trying so hard to provide a stable home and parent for her but she seems to want to blindly follow the path of self-destruction. Even if she does make a home for her kids, or even just for daughter, I am absolutely sure she'll fuck it all up again. It makes me feel unappreciated and... I mean... what have I got to do to get some fucking stability in our life?

All this is based on a few text messages I shouldn't really have read this morning. I haven't got the full picture and I'm tired and emotional and haven't really got anyone to bitch at or clear my head, and I'm just spewing thoughts into my keypad.

Having had a call from mother's ex, he doesn't have any further information for me. I suspect he was pissed last night - his email was pretty scrappy - and had a kneejerk reaction to the news his ex was back in town. I'm reasonably assured her mother wouldn't try anything stupid, especially if she wants to stay on the right side of social services and the law. However, I can't shake the feeling that she's forging the spanner I've long suspected she'd throw into the works.

It's almost as if she sees daughter as a prize to be won. I've no idea if she's made arrangements to try and see her other two children, and she's made hardly any effort to stay in touch until now. I'm sure she loves her in her way, but I've always felt she'd never 'let me win' and she even told daughter she'd never allow me to have full custody. It seems she'll do anything to have daughter back living with her and that troubles me because it appears to be selfish, in her mother's interest and not daughter's. Almost like 'Look at me, I've got my life in order and my daughter lives with me again!'

I often chastise myself for wishing I never met this woman, mainly because I wouldn't have such a wonderful daughter if I hadn't. But honestly, I dream of a world where she doesn't have control over daughter and, ultimately, me.

Edit: daughter went into town to meet her mum who changed plans dramatically from an afternoon shopping in the city to half an hour wandering around town. She said "She keeps saying 'our house' and 'perfect for us' which makes me uncomfortable." Maybe I was way off the mark...