Dear daughter

Last night when I was filling your hot water bottle and you touched my hand to show me how cold you were, you pushed slightly and I spilled boiling water on my thumb. It was only a little and fortunately it didn't burn, but the stupidity of what you did really surprised me. I shouted at you and sent you out of the room so I didn't lose my temper and really shout at you. When I raised my hand to point you out of the room you thought I was going to hit you. When you told me this I was shocked and tried to hard to comfort you and tell you that I'd never do that and that anyone who hit you was wrong.

You cried as you told me of times recent and past when your mother had hit you around the face with her hand, or around the head with a hairbrush, or on the arm with a sharp knife which made you bleed, for trivial domestic infractions such as dropping washing baskets down stairs or dropping ketchup on her foot. You were so scared I was going to hit you that it really troubled me. You said these things happened quite often when you lived with your mum, that you got most of the punishment, your brother got some and your sister never got any. You also said that your stepdad kicked you in the stomach a couple of times and that when he and your mum were together, he was more likely to target your brother and sister while your mum would take her aggression out on you.

I've known for a while that these angry episodes happened every now and again, just from things you've told me over the years. I've never felt able to do anything to help simply because I thought they were much less frequent than they obviously were. Had I known you were being treated like this on a regular basis I'd have done something about it, and even now you're out of that situation I still feel helpless because I'm sure I can't talk to you about it without it sounding like a lecture.

You are a bright, clever, sweet and honest person, on the brink of teenagehood, mature but still very much a child, and it tears me apart inside that you've been treated like this. You simply don't deserve it. It upsets me because I know how violence hurts, not just with physical pain but with mental anguish, fear and blaming yourself. It can lead to accepting this kind of violence as normal, and I can't imagine your life ever being filled with all this fear and pain.

I will never hit you. I may shout, I may mutter and grumble and punish you in meaningful and creative ways, but I'll never hit you and I'll try my hardest to prevent you from being in that situation again. I've already committed to taking you on full-time and being your parent and in the process of doing that legally, I may need to tell the people who make these big decisions what you told me above. I know this scares you and you don't want your mother knowing you've been 'telling tales' or want her punished in any way, and that's not the reason I'd tell anyone. I'd only tell a solicitor or judge because I think they need to know the whole picture to make a reliable and informed decision about your future.

I hope this sets your mind at rest somewhat. I've already encouraged you to talk to your counsellor about the nasty things that have happened because I think it's important you come to terms with them. These things have a habit of coming back to bite you when you're older so it would be good for you to try and work through it soon.

As ever, I'm always here to talk to, about anything you want to talk about. Even if you can't talk to me, I can find someone you can.

Love, as always

Daddy x

(Unsent)