Festivities

I'm back at work after three lovely, Christmassy days off. The big day passed without a hitch and it was lovely to have daughter with me from the morning and spend the day with my family. Some exciting and thoughtful gifts were exchanged and it we came home full and satisfied.

True to predictions, daughter's pre-planned seven-hour meeting with her mother got changed dramatically. Instead of meeting her at 10am, I got a text asking to put it back to midday as they were 'going to a friend's for lunch'. Daughter wasn't surprised at all. Then, instead of being back for 7pm, she arrived home at 2.30pm having spent two hours sat it a pub opening presents - 45 minutes of which her mum spent talking to one of her friends. Daughter was visibly pissed off by this and I'm sure that although she appreciated the small gifts she was given, it nowhere near makes up for being treated like just another human to manipulate.

This brings me on to something that's been bugging me since their last meeting. Daughter's been asked to go to London with her mum to buy stuff for 'their new flat' and has been told they can hopefully decorate daughter's room however she wants. I'm confused about this - does she honestly think she can take daughter back after everything that's happened? Does she not see what emotional turmoil she's put her daughter through with her selfish and thoughtless campaign of self-destruction? It's possible she's just thinking about her fortnightly access visits, but having known this woman for as long as I have I sincerely doubt it. It's most likely she's planning on trying to take daughter back full-time and have another go at trying to be a mum. The thing is, I think I've finally got to the point where I absolutely will not give her that chance for fear that she'd mess it all up again and take daughter down with her.

A number of us have worked hard to ensure Sophie is settled and balanced and has everything she needs to keep a level head. Her teachers, her counsellor, her friends, her grandmother and I have all tried to give her a path to teenagehood which is free of the stresses and strains she's been under for the past three years while her mum's bounced from boyfriend to house to friend to wherever and dragged three kids along behind her. We've given her emotional, social and financial support and while I know some of that would still be available if she were going back to her mum, I don't know if it'd be enough to balance all the crap that her mum appears to dole out.

So I've made the decision to stick to my original intention and try my hardest to take daughter on as her full-time, responsible parent. I know I have the capacity to give daughter the life she needs and the potential to follow the legal path to make that all official. The desire to make sure daughter is as stable and happy as she can be is stronger than ever and I hope she can see far enough into the future that it's clear to her this would be the best thing for her.

There is still a fear, however, that daughter doesn't want the stable, happy life and craves the instability and uncertainty that goes with living with her mum. In that situation, she's moved around a lot between houses and schools and localities and friends. She's commented before that she wants to move schools, not because she's having a bad time at this one but because she's bored with it. She wants something new and fun and exciting, to be the new kid again, the forging of new friendships and relationships. I can see the attraction of that, and considering it's all she's really known since she was six or seven it's not surprising that's what she desires. Unfortunately, there are many pitfalls associated with that life and it's obvious to all around her that she deserves a few years of stability while she goes through her exam years at school and develops into the person she'll be as an adult.

I'm determined to provide that for her. I've no idea what I'll do if she decides to rebel against me or follow this other path, but I know for sure it'll be fun and fulfilling finding out.