Too tired

Too tired for words. Well, I say that, but here are some words anyway.

I stayed up late on Friday night for my birthday and got up early. I intended to sleep on Saturday but just as I closed my eyes for a three-hour snooze my brother called to take me over to our other brother's house for a birthday beer and a crack at Forza 3. I got to sleep at a reasonable hour Saturday night but got woken at 7.20am by the water system chugging away as my landlady took a shower.

Sunday was a lazy day and I'd hoped for a nap in the afternoon but got distracted by the Wii. Getting to bed early was a great idea but like a fool I stayed up and watched Happy Go Lucky until after midnight.

This was very, very stupid. After my late night Friday I should have done everything in my power to catch up on the lost sleep but I dithered and distracted and just plain didn't bother, and it cost me a day at work on Monday. Admittedly I could have and should have gone into work as I really can't afford the time off, but I hoped I could use the day to catch up again.

I started drifting off around 1pm. My phone rang at 1.30pm and woke me up. After I'd had a chat and hung up, I slipped back into sleep and awoke for no real reason less than half an hour later. I finally got down for a good night's sleep around 10pm, and even here I was distracting myself with the movie 'Ultraviolet' instead of getting my head down at 9pm like I could have done.

Irony of ironies, I was woken up at 5am this morning by a nightmare. I'd dreamed I was driving down a local road known for its fast sweeping bends. I was third in a queue of cars behind a van which was going around 50mph, and there were a number of cars behind me too. I could see the drivers in front getting impatient and we approached a wider-than-realistic stretch of sweeping corner which gave everyone an opportunity to overtake. I saw the drivers in front of me speeding up and moving out to pass the van, and a dark red Audi TT overtook me and made a wide pass on all of us in one go.

The TT's back end stepped out as it tried to turn back in and it crashed sideways into a gatepost with a lot of force. I pulled my car over and jumped out, noticing one person hanging out of an open door with their bleeding head resting on the ground. I was patting my pockets down for my phone so I could call the police but I couldn't find it. I stopped a passing car to ask them to call 999 when I noticed my phone had been in my hand all along.

I dialed and waited to be connected. Knowing the procedure reasonably well, I was trying to find out how many people were in the vehicle, who had what injuries, what people's names were etc. I wasn't getting anywhere with all this and I started to panic, and that's when I woke up feeling very strange indeed. Fortunately I managed to get back to sleep with relative ease but the feeling still unsettles me somewhat.

As a recent post alluded to, I've been tired for a while but I feel bloody terrible for it now, I really do. I'm close to tears just writing this out, which is a warning sign. I've noticed certain minor self-destructive behaviours establishing themselves, specifically to do with diet and sleep. I know I'm eating badly when I put the food in my mouth but I ignore it. I know I should get to sleep earlier but I avoid my common sense thinking and stay up late, which makes me feel worse and compounds any problems I'm already having. I've procrastinated on getting things sorted both financially and legally for daughter and I, and I beat myself up for that quite a lot.

It's just dawning on me the scale of what I'm facing here. At the moment it's small but it has massive potential to fuck me up. The words 'I need to talk to somebody' have crossed my mind a few times over the past few days, and I think now is the time to act upon that.

Along with that, I've mentioned here quite a few times that I need to exercise more, sort my diet out and get more sleep. I really need to act on these ideas but my motivation has taken a nose-dive since the nights drew in and I took on the mental pressure associated with taking my daughter on full time. I know all these warning signs point to something which scares the shit out of me - the return of my depression. If only 1% of that horrible feeling threatens to manifest itself within me, it scares me silly. Christ, it scares me.

There are a few things I need to be thankful for, though. I've contacted my solicitor with a view to starting the legal process of taking my daughter on full time. I've got forms sorted for housing benefit, and a copy birth certificate for daughter so I can apply for Child Benefit. I've made in-roads to getting Christmas sorted, and I've even managed to save a little money which will go towards gifts.

Also, I notice these warning signs now. A year or more ago I'd have just buried my head in the sand and let myself spiral into horrible self-destructive darkness, but I'm more prepared to do something about it now. This is definitely a good thing, as long as I'm true to myself and feel like I deserve to follow through with what I need to do to feel like myself again.