More reflection on how I've changed in two and a half years.
I feel more like myself than I have done in years
Looking back on those old posts, it's quite painful to contemplate the way I felt about myself and the world in general. It's actually scary to consider how dark my thoughts were, how overshadowed with gloom every waking moment was. I'm not sure I can - or even want to - put into words what it felt like, but I can try to describe the differences between then and now. As the title of this paragraph alludes to, I feel like me again after so many years of feeling like half a person. I got some fantastic psychodynamic counselling last year and the transformation has been incredible, from low, demotivated and self-destructive to happy, confident and self-aware in a year or two. I know this is still a work in progress and I have my ups and downs, but they're mainly ups and I'm certainly more 'me' than I have been for years.
I'm the single parent for a bright and happy twelve-year-old girl
Perhaps the biggest change after recovering from depression is the arrival of my daughter. Any parent will tell you that having a baby is a massively disruptive and terrifying experience, but they've never tried taking on an almost fully-grown girl with a fashionable wardrobe, periods, schooling and an entire library of books. Easter is supposed to be a time of renewal and new beginnings, although at Easter this year noone was sure things would end up as they are now. I'm a proud and capable single parent looking after a mature young lady and doing well with it. She's a happy kid and I'm a happy dad. Her recent progress at home, school and socially has been an inspiration. For someone to come through so much emotional turmoil and still have such a positive disposition could be described as a miracle, but I know I've had a hand in that and much of the stuff I've done to help has worked wonderfully. Not that I'd really planned it like this; I'm kind of playing this whole parenting thing by ear. I think that's what you're supposed to do, anyway.
My diet is better - not much better, but better
I take some comfort in the fact that I no longer fill myself with cider and crisps and completely rubbish food. I feel considerably better in my body, despite not actually losing any weight, although I know that will come next year when I pick up the walking pace again. I can't wait to start back on the walking trail, stomping out ten or fifteen miles a week at an above-average pace and watching the extra weight disappear. A fair inspiration for this is daughter, who I noticed recently has put on a couple of pounds and now has a tiny bit of body fat on her belly! I know where that's come from - too much macaroni cheese and portions which are too big - and I'm on the case to stop her putting on any more and hopefully balance my diet a little more too. I feel much better in my mind also, as shovelling junk food and booze into my body was just another factor of self-destruction and is something I have yet to completely overcome.
I can look into the future
Not literally of course, else I wouldn't be sat here blogging, I'd be in a bookies somewhere correctly 'guessing' the winners of the 3.30 at Kempston. I mean I look into the future and I see happiness, stability, progress, fresh prospects, friendships and maybe even relationships. If I ever bothered to try and look forward previously, all I would see was darkness, so it's incredible to have the clarity of mind to consider the future something to work towards, instead of something that would just happen.
There have been so many wonderfully positive changes that writing this out has felt a bit like an ego trip, but fuck it. I deserve to feel good about myself after so long, and I'm so proud of the progress I've made in getting my life back to some form of normality. It's just great to rejoin the human race.
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