- not that I'm wearing bright clothing or anything - and I'm quite attracted to the idea of sitting here at my desk, taking the occasional call while plugging away at my phone keypad and looking deep inside my tired soul.
I want to investigate how I feel about this whole situation with becoming a single parent. It's odd because until a couple of weeks ago I thought I was dealing with the mental side of things quite well, but it suddenly became apparent that I'd not really noticed the pressure I was putting myself under.
To quickly reel off a list of emotions associated with events since Easter, I've felt scared, sad, brilliantly happy, fulfilled, concerned, surprised, helpless, paternal, peaceful and complete.
There have been so many ups and downs it'd read like a script pitch for Hollyoaks if I wrote it all out. There have been many extremes of feelings and despite the fact it appears things have settled down, it still doesn't feel like I can allow myself to celebrate because there still seems like such a mountain to climb before everything is legal and binding. I'm still terrified her mum will dig her heels in and prevent everything going smoothly. I can honestly see her doing something as extreme as taking Sophie by force, or having me done over either physically or by some other means.
Perhaps this says as much about my confidence to handle being a parent and responsible adult as it does about my opinion on daughter's mother. My fears about my own ability haven't really been voiced as I feel they might be self-indulgent and not necessarily representative of how I really feel. Almost like if I voice these fears they'll become part of me and lead me in their direction.
Realistically, I do have concerns about my suitability to be a full time single parent. My form for the past two years has been better than ever, particularly since I finished my counselling, but there have definitely been a fair number of cock-ups and events of questionable behaviour. However, that is balanced by my unending solidity at home, in my being there for, and doing the right things by, my daughter in the time she needs me most. Despite occasional bad days, I'm a dependable father and I can be good fun and great company when the mood takes me. I've worked as much as possible to provide for her and made plans for a future together, both in terms of somewhere to live and a good steady hard-working income from a new business. I have the moral support of my family and friends and even some of daughter's extended family which is incredibly comforting that they have faith enough in us to give us their blessing.
On top of all of that, daughter seems immeasurably happier and more settled than when she first came to me at Easter. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for both of us but I can't begin to understand how hard it must be for daughter to deal with all this on a daily basis. She was promised that she could go home twice, only to be let down at the last minute. Her mother promised she'd sort her life out so she could take her kids back, but it never happened. She's gone from living with her mother, mum's boyfriend and her brother and sister to living with just me, Daddy, with my masculine ways and determination to de-embarrassify monthly periods, my creative methods of gentle punishment to establish rules and my somewhat-high-fat diet. She's coping amazingly well with the trials and tribulations of becoming a teenager and growing up along with all this family crap life's thrown at her, and she still finds time for a good hearty laugh every day. What a kid.
Good things and bad, but mostly good. I think I've spent too long dwelling on the negative aspects of the situation and need to man up a bit. Because, along with all the fears and frowns, bundled in with the uncertainty and happiness, I've gained a happy, bright daughter and she's found a reliable, settled father who's doing a much better job of caring for her than her mother has for a long, long time.
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