I didn't get around to making. It was an observation that, having made a few phone calls to find out how to gain Parental Responsibility for daughter, once the going got a bit tough I gave up, closed in and switched my mind off the subject.
This is a typical reaction to something which is likely to cause me stress or frustration. I shy away from challenges which will bring me down before resolving to a positive climax. I guess I'm trying to protect myself, but from what.
I'm interested in the answer to that, so I'll ask myself a question. Can you remember a time when you made plans but they fell through and caused you stress?
When I met daughter's mother, aged 20, I was a stoned, naïve grunge/jungle hybrid barely experienced in relationships but naturally-talented with computers. I had a job where I was effectively idolised for being gifted and able to solve most computer issues with very little effort. I was completely at ease in the situation and when they offered to send me to Australia for six months or so to develop the systems in their office I jumped at the chance.
A couple of months after I agreed to go, when plans were in place and flights had been reserved, pregnancy was announced and, because she'd be heavily pregnant for the return flight, the whole deal was cancelled. No dream trip to the other side of the world. No urban integration. No cultural expansion. I was gutted, not just because of the lost experience but because I'd failed in front of all my colleagues and family.
Looking back at that I can see why I might shy away from making plans that might fall through, and why I'd avoid stressful actions even if there was the possibility of a positive reward. I don't think it necessarily gets to the root of the issue, but it's definitely interesting to see how events in your past can shape your actions and reactions in the present.
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