- nothing major, but definitely under the weather. Today I'm a little better; I finally feel like I've fully recovered from the bash weekend, having caught up on sleep and got over a cold.
I took so much away from that weekend it's hard to put it all into context. I met so many lovely people, laughed so much and enjoyed the locality completely. I got plenty of compliments from various sources and some continuing praise and appreciation really put me on a high for the whole weekend and since.
Unfortunately since Friday I've felt pretty shit. It's probably mostly down to the lack of sleep, feeling lethargic because of the cold and losing a little self-esteem due to almost completely dropping my new food plan for a week. I haven't walked as much as I'd liked over the past week so I want to sort that out tomorrow with a big walk followed by a visit to some good friends for a bit of a vent, both of which I know will help me get my head straight again.
But this recurring drop in mood bothers me. I spent a good while being on top of the world and not getting caught by the darkness. While I don't feel like I'm too close to the darkness again, my lights definitely seem to dim every now and again.
I think a combination of things is building up to effect me. I want to go through them here to get them out of my head.
I'm sincerely hating my job and my inability to get my own business started is effecting my self-esteem. I've made plans to investigate courses on fencing, hedging and stone wall building which are skills I want to learn and put into practise in any future job.
My time with wonderful people reminds me how lonely I am. I am starting to feel increasingly like I want companionship and intimacy in my life and not having it is becoming steadily more difficult to handle. Since someone stroked my head for a few minutes at the party I've craved more, dreaming of simple things like kisses and fingertips intertwining.
I'm pretty emotional. This is a source of concern for me because I know I need to work through whatever's causing this emotion to well up in certain situations. For example, twice yesterday I felt like I could burst into tears - during the ending of Nanny McPhee where the kids broke up an imperfect marriage and their father declared his love for the scullery maid I could have cried like a baby, but kept it in because daughter was there. Also, while watching a documentary about rain which showed Boscastle getting flooded in 2004, I actually shed a tear but suppressed whatever was causing it. I walked up and down Boscastle a couple of times at Easter and was quite emotional watching a video of the floods in the visitor centre, and watching it last night brought that back. I know there's an underlying reason for this emotion and I'm not sure why I hold it in - I need to discover the source and come to terms with it so I can let it out. I think this is quite important but I'm not sure how to go about sorting it. I think I might need to see my doctor and ask for some top-up sessions. I remember writing about this before... Why haven't I done anything about it?
Daughter's mother is sticking her nose in again. Daughter appears quite abmivalent but I know the situation bugs her and therefore it bugs me. The history of our relationship shows that I've usually come off worse in our dealing and I don't mind admitting it scares me deeply every time she puts her head above the water. I think this is pretty important and I know my inability and unwillingness to move things forward legally is affecting how comfortable I feel when she gets involved. I need to sort thing out, really. Storey of my life.
I'm very close to submitting forms to apply for a council house. My frustration with our living situation is mounting and we can't stay like this forever. I know getting somewhere more suitable to live will settle some of the concerns I have about personal space and will give me the chance to have people over and consider the logistics of reactivating my sex life. As things stand now, there's no way I'd be able to entertain a lady and that's limiting my enthusiasm for going out and finding one. I'm a little embarrassed about the situation if I'm honest and I know moving somewhere bigger would give both daughter and I more self-esteem.
I reckon that's it for now. I need to do stuff, but I really don't feel that motivated. It's a shame that when I feel like this is takes a kick in the arse to get things moving. I feel there's an opportunity for change here, to learn a lesson and adjust my behaviour so I'm more proactive and get my shit together without the need for that kick to get me moving, to have the confidence in myself that'll allow me to take risks to achieve goals. In fact, some of my therapy dealt with that very subject, but I think I've slipped back into protecting myself, daughter and the stability we've formed and don't want to rock the boat.
I reckon this boat needs rocking. Now to get my head around where to start.
No comments:
Post a Comment