that previously, I was steeled and shielded against my depression creeping back by an emotional resolve and confidence. Simply admitting the possibility that I could be fallible and susceptable to a relapse seems to have let it in and it's rearing its ugly, cloud-bearing head.
I suspect a part of this has come from reading books on counselling and listening skills and relating my situation to what I'm learning from the books and observing in other's behaviour. Another is that I don't have very much normal adult interaction - I'm not as socially active as I'd like to be and I don't see as much of my friends as I'd like to, meaning I don't have a real outlet for much of my thoughts, fears and aspirations.
I'm starting to feel like a bit of a broken record posting this, but lately I've been feeling the loneliness. I think that since things have settled down into a routine at home I've lamented being single and not having someone around to share my life with. I see the relationship dynamic in action with many of my friends and I have to admit I'm rather envious. I've spent much of the last few years at ease with being single but if I'm honest, that's because I've hidden behind a river of cider and a mountain of crisps. Now that I've cleaned-up my act and my diet, and as my emotional needs become apparent, I feel the solitude more than ever.
So, what to do? A friend suggested internet dating, speed dating and the like; my reaction was simple. I'd prefer to meet someone the old-fashioned way, meet someone new and get to know them, find a spark and perhaps turn that into a relationship. I find these dating services to be incredibly 'forced' and they create an aura of desperation that really turns me off. Am I wrong to want to follow tradition and try to meet Miss Right without skim-reading hundreds of profiles online? Maybe. Am I limiting my options for finding love? Probably. But I feel it'd mean more, be more tangible, to do it naturally, than to force it by joining a dating service.
I guess if I was just looking for a physical relatonship then dating sites would be the way forward. I'm sure there's masses of normal women on match.com that are looking for a meaningful relationship, but it just doesn't do it for me.
One of the limiting factors in this whole situation is where I live. This is a town people grow up in, then move away from. There's not much to keep people here, but it suits my country upbringing perfectly. The issue is that many people who live here are commuter-belt-seeking families with 2.4 cars and a veneer of Ikea-designed middle-class. Not only does that clash somewhat with this very local boy with a Wingdings tattoo on his arm, but it means most of the local women in my range are preoccupied with trivial stuff like marriage and pre-schools and lawns and fabric swatches. To be frank, there's not much eligible 'talent' locally and I'm not even particularly picky.
I realise that starting a post by saying I'm close to the edge of depression then claiming I want a girlfriend isn't going to win over the ladies but screw it, this isn't a lonely hearts ad. I know that finding a partner isn't going to solve my emotional hangups, but I'd like to hope I could find someone with a good ear and who's willing to listen to help me become a better person. I was mostly fixed anyway and it's a lack of someone to talk to that's let me get to the edge of the slippery slope.
In somewhat better news, I mentioned to my landlady yesterday that I needed a letter proving my residence to support our application for a council house. This is a big step; part of delaying the application has been an unease with telling her that we would be looking for somewhere else to live. Bless her, I shouldn't have worried. As ever, she was supportive and pleased for us. I've just set a reminder to get a passport-sized photo for the application and there's only a couple of other bits I need to get together before I can submit it. Getting the form in to the council will be a big boost and will take some of the pressure off my shoulders.
It's time. We deserve it.
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