about gaining Parental Responsibility for my daughter. Because legal Parental Responsibility wasn't automatic for fathers before 2003, I have to get it by one of two means: first, her mother and I fill out forms and take them to court to be processed by a judge. I don't see this as very likely to happen, simply because I can't imagine her mother being cooperative. Second, I go to a solicitor and they ask the mother to cooperate; if she doesn't, they can apply directly to the court for an order.
I've been to the solicitor twice to follow this through, and twice I've failed. I know exactly why and I'd like to clarify that now before I go any futher. Again, two reasons:
Asking daughter's mother is likely to open a can of worms
I've written previously that almost every interaction or negotiation with daughter's mother has ended up with me coming off worse. Whether big or small, she used to make life difficult for me in whatever way she could when it came to talking about access or money or events or problems. It never was a two-way relationship between her and I; although I'm surely biased I feel like she always took while I always gave, both when we were together and for ten years after we split up. Her position as "parent-with-care" gave her the power and she totally loved that, wielding it whenever she felt like she could put me down or spoil my day. That went on for a fair while, at least until her last child was born and she mellowed out a bit. Even after that, it was often a roller-coaster and I've always dreaded any kind of interaction with her.
It's true that previously she's held "all the cards" in terms of being able to restrict access to daughter, bad-mouth me, or whatever, but this is all seriously in the past now. Not least has daughter been living with me for almost 18 months, but this is all based on the person she was at least 18 months ago, and for the ten-ish years previous to that. I'm 99.9% sure she hasn't changed at all in the past year and a half, perhaps becoming more bitter, distant and devious.
Who knows? But writing this out has got me thinking. As a related aside, I recently offered someone advice about seeking help for symptoms of depression. During part of the chat, I said
"Many of our coping strategies and defence mechanisms are out-of-date. Perhaps they served us well at the time we developed them and we relied on them to get through a period of our lives, but now they may be out-moded, stale and at worst a hindrance to progressing through life."
This sounds exactly like what I'm describing above. The dread I feel when I think about this woman, the switching-off, the enclosing myself in cotton-wool, the shielding and meek demeanour… it's all old reactions, old strategies.
I'm different now. I'm stronger, more self-aware. I'm a single father. I've taken responsibility for my daughter and given her a stable, secure and honest life. I've taken responsibility for myself and developed my emotions and personality way beyond any expectations I could have had when I started the process. I'm reasonably happy, and daughter seems so too. A close friend recently said "It's all thanks to you, that," and I baulked, but realise now that I should let that in. Referring back to something else I wrote recently about accepting compliments and letting them build my self-esteem – my instant reaction to that comment was defensive but I should let it in.
So, having got my head around what I'm doing and why, maybe I can move past that now and see the situation for what it is. Positive, constructive, off my own back and secure. Result.
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OK, rewind. I said there were two reasons why I'd failed to follow-through with gaining Parental Responsibility for daughter, and here's the second:
I try to stay off HMRC and Inland Revenue's radar.
That's not to say I avoid paying tax. OK, to an extent, that's right. But it's a combination of failings, not only in me but in an odd, complex and incredibly unhelpful system.
About five years ago, my brother started a company and I went to work for him. I was self-employed and his advice to me – I remember it as clear as yesterday - was to make sure I saved at least 30% of my pay to give to my accountant, so he can pay my income tax and National Insurance.
Of course I'd do that. Not this month, though. What a lovely pay-packet. I'm going to spend all of this one, then start saving next month. Oops, nope, not this month, but definitely next month! Etc, etc, on and on until three or four years later things have cascaded, I'm seriously depressed and wasting money like it's going out of fashion, I owe my accountant money, I'm liable for an "estimated" £5,000 or £6,000 of income tax and I've not saved a single penny towards the payment. So, I did what I was so positively capable of doing at the time and buried my head in the sand.
The Revenue chased me a couple of times, put me on payment plans and the like. They still send me tax returns and statements and reminders and fines because I simply haven't submitted a tax return, payment or letter telling them I'm still alive in the past four years. So terrible is my memory, my ability to keep records and my lack of a proper bank account over the past five years that I've no idea where I worked, when and for how much. It would be incredibly difficult to work it all out and submit back-dated returns to see how much I actually owe, and bloody tough to pay it back because I don't physically have the money to do so.
This keeps me from even applying for Child Tax Credits, which I'm aware might flash my name up on a computer somewhere and I'll be under investigation and liable for thousands of pounds of tax. And, finally, to the point: It's stopping me claiming full-blown legal financial assistance with my solicitor for exactly the same reason, and I'm sure the solicitor will want to see a tax return or confirm details with the Revenue, and that's when my status as a tax-dodging bastard would become apparent.
I don't deny that I owe tax. I owe this country a hell of a lot in terms of medical care, schooling, services and the like and I'd be happy to pay if it was taken out of my wages at source. I wish it had have been, all this time. I wish I'd had less free money in exchange for getting this monkey off my back. But hopefully the picture I've painted has helped you understand why I'm so terrified of getting it sorted out. I've never had much money, and still don't really, with a child at home and an incredibly low-paying job. Child Tax Credits would definitely keep us in Mars Bars, but I'm so scared of applying that the chances are we'll just continue living close to the edge.
I honestly have no fucking clue what I'm going to do about the income tax situation, but I know it's holding me back and I'd like to get some advice on where to go now.
So, there we go. Some solutions, some admissions and some real, tangible fear. Maybe in all this swirling confusion there's a glimmer of hope that I could start sorting my financial obligations out and take off some of the weight that pushes onto my spine every single day, even days I don't actively think about it. There's definitely the sowing of a seed of confidence and posture that shows I can take on Parental Responsibility without fear of awakening 'the beast'.
I do think I should have written those the other way around, though. I felt great after I'd written the first half but now, having run through the realisations and emotions involved in the tax situation, I feel particularly run-down.
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