I've felt so long feeling utterly low and negative and crap

that I'd forgotten about the positives 2011 brought for me.

• I got myself into a strong, loving relationship with a happy, vibrant, bright lady who loved me in return. I let someone in. I am attractive. Woo!
• I finally ditched my depressing job at the taxi company for something that finally gets me out and about. With the prospect of more work in the new year, things are even looking up financially too.
• I built and maintained some strong friendships with people new and old, young and adult, near and far.
• I kept a reasonably stable household and platform for Sophie, particularly during the first two-thirds of the year.

These last three months have been hell, and no mistaking it. When Tess and I split up I started drinking again. I could see the warning signs weeks and weeks ago, particularly when I noticed a tendency to turn to drink in the evenings. I caught my depression and self-destruction last weekend, when I got thrown out of the pub. I have plenty of unanswered questions about the whole event, but I know one thing for sure - I never, ever want to feel that way again, the shock and confusion and blood and shock, the waking regret, the hangover, the pain, the shock, the embarrassment of apologies, explaining what happened to friends, the uncertainty of who that person was that got physically manhandled out of a very busy bar.

I don't ever want to be in a position where I'm in danger of getting to that stage again, and similar events over the past few years have given me inspiration to stop drinking completely. That's it - I've spent half my life drinking alcohol, abusing it, using it as an escape, as a valve for letting myself out of my shell. No longer.

I actually feel anxious when I think about booze now. Scaringly, I feel anxious and drawn to drink. I mentally tell myself "Nope, I don't drink!" but it's amazing to see my booze brain being hooked by the image or thought of "just one drink".

I spent a good while not drinking in 2010 during the summer and really enjoyed it. There's a few posts about me and booze on the blog and many of them paint a picture of a very difficult relationship with drinking. I have done a few unquestionably stupid things while drunk over the past four or five years. It's done me very little good at all and now it's synonymous with downturns in mood and an increase in depressive symptoms.

Above's an interesting revalation: of my 36 years, I've been drinking for 18 years, or half my life. I came to alcohol quite late compared to my peers and definitely late in modern terms. I think I've just found the clarity and time to admit that I have alcoholic tendencies and booze and I just don't mix. I'm not the best person I can be when I've been drinking and I don't want any part of that any more.

So, Saturday 17th December 2011: the day I had my last drink. I'm determined to stick with this. I want my Noely back.