and that's down to alcohol and lots of stuff running around my head. I've been troubled for the past week or two and I'm not entirely sure why, but I can see the component parts and maybe get a look at the bigger picture if I splurge it all out here. I reckon I know what's going on - I'm lonely, unmotivated to get my business going, questioning the wisdom of starting the business in the first place, berating myself for not sorting benefits and housing out sooner, questioning my ability as a father, missing my good friend terribly even though she's only on the other side of town, and generally being incredibly insecure. For much of my life I've been driven by praise and recognition and I'm not getting any from anywhere at the moment. I need to work out how to provide that for myself or get on without it, and that's what this post is about.
So, to the detail.
I'm eating heaps of shit again
For the past few weeks I've found myself sneaking munch into my gob much more than recently. I'm increasingly turning to food for comfort, especially crisps. They've always been a weak point in my diet and my willpower just crumbles when I've got some in my possession. I remember being so proud of myself last year when I realised that posting to My Foood Diary had helped me revolutionise my food intake and that I'd virtually cut out all crisps from my diet. I should start writing my food diary again; I posted once a few weeks back when I realised I was getting back into bad habits but I didn't keep it up, so I've just set a daily reminder on my phone to do just that. Once I start posting again I can guilt myself into cutting back on all the crap I'm shovelling into my mouth and gain all the physical and mental benefits that come with a good diet and control over what I eat.
I'm turning to alcohol again
Another terrible habit that I'm turning to for comfort. A couple of weeks ago I posted about it being a positive thing that I'm being turned-off alcohol by knowing I'll have a crap night's sleep but I appear to have rebelled against that philosophy and just tucked in to the booze regardless of the consequences. I know this is a bad sign - that and the fact I think about having a drink every day. Some days I resist, some I give in. Typical of my behaviour is that drinking is generally accompanied my munching or bad eating decisions such as eating too late or food that's bad for me - not only while drinking but also the following day. I've covered all the reasoning behind this before in this blog and in my food blog so I won't go into it here. It's enough that I recognise the problem and take action to sort it out. Food blogging will definitely help me realise the scale of my intake, which is nowhere near as bad as it was before daughter moved in but it's enough to bother me.
I'm not motivated to get my business started
I'm having big bouts of self-doubt about this whole new business idea. It's so hard to get motivated without someone behind me encouraging me and kicking me in the arse. I posted about this yesterday but my phone crashed and I lost it. I've decided to put off any further action on the business until after Easter when daughter and I are going away for a few days. It'd be madness to try and take on any work now then tell them it'll be three weeks until I can come out and undertake the work, plus it'll hopefully give me the opportunity to steel myself and get into the right frame of mind to take the business into success from the start.
I'm still lonely
Having daughter around is great and, really, a godsend in that if she weren't around I'd be back on my own again and probably feeling considerably more lonely than I already do. I regularly regret not having forged a strong and lasting relationship with someone a long time ago and not being in the position to do so now. I say that - I'm back to my good old self mostly so I do feel mentally ready to take on a relationship, but logistically it's not the right time. I'm aware it'll take more than just having the right frame of mind to get into a healthy relationship with someone - maybe even a move away, making new friends or visiting different places regularly. I'm confident I'll get there eventually, but that still doesn't stop me really pining for cuddles and tickles and... Just some attention.
I'm generally feeling much better today
I've written the second half of this post the day after I wrote the first. I was pretty tired, stressed, low and slightly hung-over which are all ingredients for a melancholy me. Fortunately, having got my food blog back underway and had a little time to myself last night, I feel much better today and definitely less stressed. This is partly down to having taken the weight of the new business off my shoulders somewhat, partly thanks to daughter being in a good mood last night, and partly thanks to a solid - if prematurely-broken - night's sleep.
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