When it comes to episodes of internet addiction, I've had *counts* too many to count. It's ruined careers, relationships, lifestyles and states of mind and I can feel it knocking on the door again.
I've been addicted to a talker, ICQ, IRC, a MUD, and various other services. I know I've spent a little too long recently posting on a message-board and now I have someone significant to talk to on the other side of the world I feel drawn to one-to-one chat.
My brain hinted at concern about this a few days ago during an online conversation about past addictions. It's only while trying to fall asleep for an hour last night that my up-and-down mood and fizzy morning head indicated I may be heading back towards this troublesome addiction.
The symptoms are relatively obvious now I focus on them. I've become less attentive at work - not a problem simply because my work is piss-easy, but my social relationship with my colleagues has suffered and I've noticed I've not really been listening when they're trying to hold a conversation with me - not good for someone who is trying to be a good listener in general.
My home life has changed too. Since getting broadband I've spent increasing amounts of time at the keyboard, blogging, message-board, chat, games, music, reading news and blogs and the like. Some of these activities are productive and helpful, others appear to have an ulterior motive: escape.
I've been addicted to games in the past. I've never really minded that so much, as the useful thing about the games I play is they have an end, a target to reach, a result or achievement. I see my attitude to games and chat in a similar light, the difference being that with chat there is no final curtain.
I've been addicted to junk food. I still kind of am. I've taken steps with my exercise to compensate but it's still something I'd like to shift if I'm to live my life in the best possible way.
I've been addicted to booze and weed, sometimes at the same time. Ugh. I'm pleased to be rid of those, and I'd like to take the strength I've gained in beating them and apply some of it to this impending internet issue.
So I've been doing less of the everyday things like cooking and playing guitar and spending quality time with Sophie. These are just a few of the things that appear to be suffering a decline since I've had access to the internet.
Another big indication is that my head is fizzy in the mornings. I used to get this a lot, especially when depressed, and it's something I've talked through with numerous psychological nurses and counsellors, and since I got better it's not been around. It's making this connection that has set alarms off and made my ears prick-up and listen. A few years ago I'd not have noticed this warning sign, but I'm very proud that I've listened to my brain and I'm talking about it here - it means my mental toolkit is working well and I can continue to rely on it to show me when I need to take action to stay stable.
What this endless time in front of the screen is doing is leaving me without head-space, without my home comforts, the little things I do in my spare time which make me happy and balance my day. It's assisting me in escaping some strong emotions I felt when Tess went back to Australia that I know I need to process, and it feels a bit like a sticking plaster over the difficulties of conducting a long-distance relationship. That latter point is a whole can of worms and it's not for opening now, but it certainly needs looking at in future.
Now that I've recognised the issue, it's a case of reconciling my online commitments and hobbies with my offline life. There's a few things I can do to help this along:
- My computer activities will be productive
I've been putting off getting my audio desk set up for too long. As soon as I do this I can start writing music again, and I'm consistently excited about doing so. I just need to do it, then I can get back behind my microphone, synth, guitar and sequencer.
Blogging is productive of course. I should continue to keep this blog up-to-date and get more involved in the colle3ctive too, which I'm really enjoying. - My chats should have a purpose
Of course, while trying to maintain a long-distance relationship that purpose is reasonably obvious, but it's so easy to sit in front of the screen for hours talking to Tess, simply because it's lovely. I spend a fair amount of time with a big wide grin on my face and I find it very fulfilling. However, it certainly has its addictive aspects and I need to find a balance that allows us to maintain open communication while ensuring we both have time to conduct our personal lives too. This is how it would be if we lived together - we'd make time for each other, and for our individual personal and social lives too. There's always a danger in trying to find such a balance that it'll swing too far one way or another, but I feel confident we can get equilibrium because we're honest and open and communicative.
This does mean cutting back on the message-boarding and the Facebook refreshes. To an extent, both activities have a purpose as they give me pleasure, they're interactive and generally make me laugh, but they're both quite addictive and I find myself checking them regularly for updates and responses. I'm absolutely confident that over the next ten years there'll be a spate of reports of children and teens being addicted to Facebook and it taking over their lives, ruining their exams or social lives. I know this sounds like doom-mongering but I've been there, done that, and I know how easy it is to fall into the trap. - I will recover the joy in day-to-day things
such as cooking, making music, doodling, playing guitar and playing Uno with Sophie. What kind of life is sitting in front of a computer screen for all your spare hours in a day?
I know it's important to look at what I'm escaping from in the near future. I must remember to do that.
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