which is a symptom of only a little too much alcohol and melancholy yesterday. I'd probably feel fine if I'd had a slice or two of toast instead of deciding a huge plate of nachos was a good idea half an hour before I was due to go to bed. My insides are ruined today and I keep burping Strongbow. Bleurgh. The unpalatable nature of my breath matches a few thoughts going around in my head today.
I watched JD's final episode of Scrubs yesterday and cried like a baby for the last five minutes. There was a scene where he fantasised a corridor lined with all the significant people he'd met, treated or interacted with during his time at the hospital. This really got me going and I started to feel pretty low.
It was a couple of weeks ago when I commented to my best friend: 'If I wanted to organise a night out with lots of people, who would I call?' We couldn't really think of more than a handful of friends. Since I got my enthusiasm for a social life back, my choice has been limited by a sheer lack of people I know to try and do things with. Most of the good people I know have moved on to bigger and better jobs, families and in some cases, countries. I can count on one hand the number of people I could call on for a night out.
It's only since my urge to socialise came back that I've realised how metaphorically isolated I feel in this town. The idea of going out to make new friends is pretty terrifying, almost as much as going out 'on the pull'. I know it's something I need to do though, because I'm sure I'll go a bit mad if I spend much more time in that room at home.
I hope to remedy this by attending a class or two. I've got my eye on an Introduction to Psychology course at the local council centre which has five sessions over five weeks. Not only will I get a basis for future psychological study and insight into my work with the charity but I might get to meet new people too. Once that's done I'll look for another course, maybe along the same lines or maybe something a bit different. Who knows? Whatever, I hope to switch my brain on and meet real people again. Once I get on confidence back I'll look for local groups I can get involved in. Reclaiming my social skills can only be a good thing.
I think this is tied in with another long-term problem which is a lack of intimacy, attention and affection from the opposite sex. I've not had a sniff in far too long and I'm really, really missing naked cuddles. While it hasn't hit me as abruptly as it usually does, my annual 'mating season' is definitely here and I'm catching myself eyeing-up every potential partner I see. I know this will all taper off again when autumn comes and I've dealt with it before, but combined with generally feeling lonely it seems like hard work this year.
I'm also somewhat afraid that I'm allergic to alcohol. I've been suffering with a really flaky scalp for a couple of years but it's been much worse for quite a while now. I'm just trying to remember if it got worse around the time I started getting hayfever. It's possible. Anyway, a few days ago I had a glass of cider and after a short while I started getting a runny nose and sneezing and itchy on my chest and back. I guess it's possible it was a reaction to something else I'd eaten or touched, or maybe even pollen. I don't know where this crazy self-diagnosis has come from other than I noticed last week when I had less alcohol my scalp was much better, and this week I've had more alcohol my scalp has been terrible. All this despite taking daily prescribed anti-histamines to suppress symptoms of hayfever. I guess I need to spend a week off the booze to confirm my suspicions, and I have another couple of months to wait for a dermatology appointment at the hospital. It might just be cider - please, if it's alcohol at all, let it just be cider! - in which case it won't be so bad, but I can't imagine a life without alcohol. I know that sounds bad but I don't believe I have the problem with booze I experienced when I was low despite recent evidence to the contrary, which I'm willing to accept as simple 'blips' on an otherwise positive record. But being forced to give up alcohol entirely due to my body's sudden decision to become allergic to all kinds of shit? No thanks.
What a thoroughly despondent post! This is just an opportunity to get some stuff out of my head and already I feel better. I have a walk with the charity client coming up on Thursday and some settled weather to enjoy, some time with daughter, hopefully a catch-up with friends and going out for a birthday celebration on Saturday night so there's plenty to look forward to. Who says I need a more active social life?
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