which isn't just obvious to me but apparently to Tess as well. I've certainly been making more positive noises; I don't feel well, or much better, but I certainly don't feel worse, my head is less fizzy generally and I think my sleep pattern is coming back towards normal and healthy for the first time in a few months. I'm definitely less emotionally-variable but I still get enjoyment from things, perhaps more so now I'm medicated than a few weeks ago when I wasn't. My motivation appears to be returning somewhat, with many things apart from work, that is. My enthusiasm for eating better is more apparent, I want to get out walking again and lose this gut I've gained since December. I've been comfort eating far too much for my own good and it's really showing on my body now. So I'm going to pack some audiobooks onto my phone and listen to stories as I walk. I figure this is a good way to motivate myself to walk on my own along paths I've visited before.
This paragraph contains stuff about my sex drive, so skip it if you want to. There are some side effects. I'm not so concerned about them at the moment as the obvious one only affects me. My libido has dropped off and there's certainly no such thing as a "quickie" any more. I think if Tess was here that would be something of a frustration and would take some working out, but we'd get through it. I haven't really noticed any other side effects; I do have underlying concern about whether their effectiveness has taken the edge off any of my "positive" emotions, but I'm settling that by commending them on their ability to balance me out and bring my moods back to a more reasonable steady baseline. It's a trade-off, and I'd much rather have the positive effects and accept the negatives than be where I was four weeks ago, which felt like hell compared to now.
As well as the medication, I guess a few other things have helped too. I took a little extra time off work and took advantage of it to rest and nap. I think I've had 14-16 extra hours sleep this past six days and it's been much needed. I'm still yawning at my desk (*shakes fist comically at Sophie*) and I've had a coffee today to perk me up a little, but that'll be it. I've got to shake this usage of caffeine to help me feel normal, and getting my sleep in order has been a prime aide to that. Long may it continue.
Back in this post a few days ago I mentioned getting a year planner together. That afternoon I went straight to the bureau and got it printed, and a couple of days later I'd done some workings-out and plotted a few days on it, crossed a whole bunch out and now I can see, visually and logically, what's been and what's to come.
Tess and I have known each other for 140 days, from the first hug as she got out of the taxi outside my house a couple of days after my birthday. We've been apart for 85 days, which is more than half the time we've known each other. We have a minimum of 181 days until we're together again, which is less than half a year. We have almost exactly six months to cross off the year planner until we can be together again. The half-way point between her leaving at the end of January and the earliest date I can be in Australia is June 13th, 48 days away from now.
There's something really comforting about putting a big X through one of the days on my year planner. I think it's because there's a logical tracking of time and a visualsation of what's been and what's to come. Each time I look at it I'm amazed how far we've come, which gives me hope that October is really just around the corner.
One of the symptoms I've always found with my depression is the "living in the moment" syndrome of not looking forward, or looking back, but living purely in the "now". I've been blogging less often, which shows a decline in reflection, and the future was in doubt for some time, although Tess and I have tied up a fair number of loose ends. The idea behind a year planner was to give me some perspective of time, and that seems to be working. It's very satisfying to cross another day out, another day towards half-way which will highlight the peak of our time apart and the start of a more noticeable decrease in the time left we spend apart.
I am missing Tess immensely. There are many elements of this relationship that are easier than I ever dreamed possible; at the same time, there are aspects that get harder with each passing day. Fortunately she is supportive and communicative and I know I have therapy in the pipeline to iron out the creases in my brain, and medication to keep me balanced until I can manage it on my own.
I have a telephone assessment with Healthy Minds tomorrow afternoon, which I hope is the start of a journey which ends with a more balanced and capable me. Tess and I talked through some things today which I'm sure are contributing to my depression and I've come to some introspective conclusions about what's happening in my head and where I need to be to move forward. Hopefully a psychology professional can help me update my tool-kit to I am better able to deal with my emotions and issues in the future. I hope to rebuild and repair my self-esteem and self-believe, both of which seem to have taken massive hits. I'd also like to get to the bottom of why I appear to sabotage myself when I'd be better off improving. These seem pretty big, now I look at them here, but I don't think they're insurmountable and it's what I'd like to get out of any future therapy I have.
It's funny, but now that I'm starting to feel better the urgency to get my head sorted out has diminished. I'm also aware that I'll be facing dark and emotionally-difficult times during my therapy, which is always difficult but so, so worth it.
Here we are then, I guess, at the beginning. The ends aren't that far away - for the mental journey out of depression and the physical one into Tess's arms, and I certainly feel more positive about reaching them now.
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