having got to sleep at around 8.45pm after half an hour of lying and fizzing. I woke again at half-midnight full of gas and indigestion; I knew I'd eaten too much of that wonderful pasta bake. I turned over and tried to ignore the insistent turbulence in my belly but had to get up and take a pill to help shift it. Back to bed, I put my head down and tried to sleep again, but more fizzing and twisting and turning in my head and my belly.
I gave up after half an hour, turned my light on and read for a while before having a little "me" time. Three times in three days and still no finish. Grrrrr. I think I may have wound myself up about this but there's a chance the citalopram is dampening my mojo - either that or a tidy bout of hypochondria. I gave up after quite some time, turned over and put my head down at about 3am and slept solidly until my alarm went off at 6am. Seven hours sleep despite having got into bed at half past seven in the evening. Pants.
I am utterly sick of being tired. I consistently admit that I don't function at my best when I'm tired - I'm low, emotional, quick to react, lethargic, unmotivated and disinterested. All I can think about is going back to bed and trying to patch up a few days of rubbish sleep which, on reflection, is actually a few months of rubbish sleep. I've not been sleeping properly since October when we found out about getting the new flat and I became overwhelmed with the scale of what we had to achieve to move in.
I'm going to make more of an effort to get to bed at a reasonable hour to try and catch up on some sleep. Now that clocks have gone forward here and back in Australia, the time difference means that Tess usually doesn't get up before 10pm my time, just about the time I'm thinking about settling down to sleep. A shame, because means less time for us to talk when she gets up, but it also means I'm more likely to turn in early when I feel the urge to instead of staying up to talk to her before she starts her day. Hopefully this is a silver lining on that cloud and, along with my medication kicking in, it should help me settle back into a positive sleeping routine.
I was listening to the audiobook of Susan Jeffers' Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway while flicking through a Where's Wally-style book. The second half of it doesn't suit me at all but the first half is full of interesting insights. One of the concepts she puts forward is that fear is generated when we feel out of control or unable to handle a situation, and that fear only goes away when we actually face the situation and deal with it. It's something along the lines of "The feeling involved in acting on a situation counteracts the fear involved in helplessness."
The phrase "I'll handle it" is promoted, and I like that idea. Whatever comes along, it may create fear and that would hold me back from acting upon it. But telling myself "I'll handle it" creates a positive outlook and gives me the motivation to go ahead and do so.
Big progress yesterday with my blog post and the outcome of relieving pressure on myself to make things happen in October whatever the cost. I felt much better after writing it out and realising it's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen according to plan. I think I need to apply that to many everyday things, or have a look at the things I pressure myself over and, therefore, rarely achieve. Putting pressure on myself is counter-productive because I tend to rebel against it, whatever the source. This is worth investigating in the future because it does tend to hold me back.
It feels good, blogging. Getting stuff out of my head is a requirement at the moment, and hopefully it'll help clear it when I'm trying to get to sleep.
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