There is a deep sigh

and a heavy feeling in my head as I open the pack of 20mg Citalopram tablets and consider taking my first pill. It's my first anti-depressant medication in three or so years and I've not felt the need to medicate until just the last few days.

It's been a tumultuous few months, as I've written about recently, and I've come to terms with accepting medication as an attempt to halt the downward trend I've felt just recently. My mood swings have increased, my motivation to do anything other than slouch has dwindled and my diet took a real turn for the ugly. I have no fear in actually using the medication to level me out.

There is a slight loss of pride, I guess. I stopped taking my medication half-way through my counselling because I was working outdoors at the time and had started to feel considerably better. I was proud of managing to continue through my therapy and find my own way subsequently without the anti-depressants. I guess I just got lucky really; I'd resigned myself to being on them for life, but was lucky enough to stop needing them when things started to come together. Now that things seem to be slowly coming apart again, I think it's best I take them for the time being.

There, I've just taken my first one.

So, no fear. What I do have is a fair amount of resentment. How dare you come back and bite me on the arse again, depression? You cunt. Now, here and now, when I'm supposed to be feeling fantastic and elated and in love and enjoying my new home and the return of some good friends. Instead I want to curl up into a ball and hide and distract myself with whatever's at hand - currently Battlestar Galactica and chess lessons. I'd rather it was walking and cooking.

Anyway, an update from the doctor which has given me something to look forward to: the mental health team have referred me to Healthy Minds who will be contacting me directly to get me on some therapy. It's lovely to know there's some progress here and hopefully I'll be hearing something in the next couple of weeks, maybe longer, but better than the "maximum 14 weeks" I know is the standard NHS line.

I'll be keeping an eye on how I'm feeling, and whether I notice any side effects with this medication. Today is the first day, and I'm due back for an appointment in a fortnight to see how they're working so I'll post about it then, but I'll post again if I notice any difference.