where Kate asked me what kind of things were getting me down. Leo was running around the room and the TV was blaring and I knew there was no way I was going to open up in that situation, but my brain did something I wasn't expecting: when she asked the question it shouted at me "The trip to Australia!"
I need to reconcile my feelings about what's happening over the next six months in terms of preparations and gear and organising things and money and investment of time and finances into the trip to Australia. I still have strong fears, doubts and resentment that are somewhat caustic in my brain and whenever they crop up I have a reasonable dip in mood. I have big excitement about the whole venture, travelling to the other side of the world, seeing a country and culture I've never experienced and spending a whole month reinforcing love with Tess. Unfortunately this excitement appears buried under layers of tricky thoughts and anxiety.
As I've written before, I am struggling with saving money for the trip. Not just with the physical act of putting money aside, but with the concept of restricting the spare money we have when we already live quite a simple life. When we moved into the new flat I knew we'd be paying out more each month - our simple all-in rent is similar but I now have all the bills to pay for gas, electricity, water, TV licence, telephone and house insurance. I'm paying off a couple of debts amounting to £50 a week although they're both shortish-term and when they're paid off will make a massive difference to the amount I can spend and save.
I guess I'm feeling the pressure I'm putting myself under to make the trip happen. I said to Tess last week "I'm so wound up about money and budget and job and fucking terrified that if this trip in October doesn't look likely I'll lose all hope." Those are pretty strong words on reflection. And there it is, I guess: if I don't get to see her in October or have a firm plan for seeing her sometime around then, I may lose hope in the whole relationship. I'm already struggling with the distance and increasing the amount of time until we're together again, albeit for a month, just doesn't appeal to me at all. It's looking likely that we won't be together permanently for a little under three years, although there's a chance she can come here to study for a term next year. All these timescales terrify me, quite literally.
Thinking about it, this pressure I've created to make the trip happen in October is unfounded and unfair. It's not the end of the world if we have to put it off. I can do my best to work towards an October deadline but if we get to, say, July or August and it's not looking great in the bank account then we'll talk about putting it back. I don't want to do that, but I guess looking at it logically instead of emotionally it would be the best thing to do, instead of placing undue and unnecessary pressure on myself to make it happen at the expense of actually living a normal life.
I need to get the electricity and water supply billing sorted out and re-do my budget so I can have a firm and fair plan to see what I can achieve and by when. It's such a wonderful thing, this trip, that I don't want to spend the seven months prior to it hating the process of saving for it.
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