Worrying, mostly. Compounding that worry with speculation, impulsive conclusions and a generally heavy downturn in mood. Things haven't really been the same with Tess this past four or six weeks, we've been less communicative, relying on each other less and generally drifting apart. I am constantly batting thoughts back and forth and it's doing me no good whatsoever, so I thought I'd write to see if I can offload some stuff that I don't really feel I can talk to other people about.
Two or three weeks ago, I confronted Tess after a week or two of concern following a distinct downturn in communication coming from her. She'd been through a change in medication, sleeping pattern and social life and over a period of time I felt I was becoming less important to her. In our conversation I was a bit of a thoughtless dick, but I made my point and we talked it through and I felt better because I got some reassurance from her that things were no different between us.
At the time, I'd hoped for more communication from her, thinking that our chat might have encouraged her to dedicate at least a few minutes a day emailing me or trying to arrange a convenient time for both of us to chat, but it hasn't happened. I honestly didn't think I could miss Tess any more than I have over the past eight months, but I have recently. I've not felt as alone as this since she went back to Australia.
So I've spent the past week or two since our discussion hoping that things would pick up between us, sending emails encouraging replies, hoping to hear back and getting a dialogue going again.
Even though both our routines have changed recently, I was sure a little more effort would be enough to make sure we could keep communication flowing. Unfortunately, I've had so little back from Tess it's got my head racing. Last week she forgot to send me a photo, so I reminded her and she sent one back. This week she's forgotten again and I've not reminded her, to see if she'll realise herself. I reckon this is probably a little childish but the mere fact she's forgotten to do something we've done every week over the past eight months, two weeks in a row, tells me her dedication isn't as strong as it once was. We've hardly discussed my trip to visit her since I booked my ticket four weeks ago, we've not booked anywhere, we've not discussed an itinerary, nothing.
I'm going to be honest here, totally honest. I have seriously considered cancelling my ticket to Australia, on the basis that if the next two and a half years of our long-distance relationship are going to be like the last few weeks, I know I'll be totally unable to handle it. My brain is running away with me after just two or three weeks.
Perhaps I'm just not strong enough to handle the distance. Maybe I don't have enough self-belief to really trust myself to do this in the long term. I guess if I was strong enough, I wouldn't be sat here in front of the computer with a heavy head, sweaty hands and on the verge of tears.
This whole deal is making me question my dedication to the relationship, and the very act of questioning it tells me I'm insecure.
Whether my insecurities are founded or not, time will tell. I got a terse email today saying "I really need to talk to you" - no sign of a photo, an email back to say hi, she's glad I enjoyed walking the dogs, she got her bruise doing such and such. No hugs, no kisses, no "I love you". Nothing like that. So now my tummy hurts and my brain's swirling round and round with possibilities of what she needs to talk about.
My visit? Her time off? Money? Her trip here next year? Is she going in a different direction? Is she as disenchanted as I am?
I feel like I'm crumbling. Only a few hours to go until I find out what she needs to say. I wonder what I'll say?
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