I met Tess, the girl of my dreams. She's all I've ever wanted in a partner, and she likes me too! Awesome! Except, yeah, damn, she lives on the other side of the bloody world doesn't she? She's at the start of a three-year degree isn't she?
We were both overloaded after our whirlwind romance, separation and decision to continue with a long-distance relationship. With Tess finishing three months of travel, going home for a month then starting university, I suggested we put discussions about the future, visas, immigration, deferring courses and scholarships on hold for a few weeks so she could settle in and get her bearings at uni and start her new life before having to plan another one. It felt good doing this because I knew it was the right thing for her and I wanted to relieve some of the pressure she was feeling so she could focus on settling-in to uni.
Unfortunately, and somewhat selfishly, I'm finding the uncertainty about our future probably the most difficult thing I deal with on a day-to-day basis. I knew the upkeep of a long-distance relationship would be difficult but it'd be considerably easier if we had a vision to work towards, a clear and concise road-map to us being together in the future.
Last time I balanced my uncertainty out with a list of things I'm certain about. All I have at the moment is a month in Australia at the end of October this year and after that, nothing. Just unbridled fears about how tighter immigration policy here, for both students and qualified skilled workers, will effect her ability to come over at any point. That we'll really struggle to get enough money together to finance her visa applications. That if she wants to come and study here we'll have to win the lottery or find a fully-funded scholarship. That even on a last-resort spouse visa we'd have to prove we could survive without state help, where at the moment daughter and I are claiming housing and council tax benefits and literally could not survive without them. That life will simply get in the way and one of us will change our minds and the other will be forced to live out their worst fears realised. Blah blah negative blah.
I feel shit writing all this out for a couple of reasons: first that I should just be able to put these things to the back of my mind and talk them through with Tess at the end of the month, and second that I appear to be acting monstrously negatively when I don't really want to.
I know, that first statement contains "should" - why "should" I be able to stop thinking about something important to me? I guess I'd just like to be able to flip a switch and put all these fears and concerns about uncertainty behind me until such time as I'm ready to deal with them, but it's not that easy at all.
I'll ask myself how I feel about all this later but for now I'm shattered so I think I'm going to nap.
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