and all the best practice has fallen down. I'm a bit of a mess again, I'm fuzzy-headed, tired, comfort-eating and losing my grip on all the wonderful work I'd done during my counselling in summer 2008 and all the effort I'd made to improve myself subsequently. Parts of my brain are going "What a waste!" which is true to an extent, but I think it laid a foundation that helped me recognise the warning signs and mitigate the effect of this most recent downturn in mood. I must admit, I'm proud that I've caught it this time instead of spiralling out of control as has happened many times in the past, and I'm pleased that I managed to last two and a half years without prolonged emotional turmoil.
It still seems a shame that something so wonderful as meeting Miss Right has taken my brain, turned it upside-down, shaken it up and let bits fall out indiscriminately. I fear suppressed emotion is the culprit here, along with a heavy heart filled with loss and distance and absence. The time Tess and I had together was incredible and when she returned home my world fell apart; I felt real pain for the first time in years and it shattered me. Because it was so overwhelming I felt I had no choice but to suppress it and even then it leaked out quite often. Through the process of deciding to continue the relationship long-distance that pain transformed into, or was masked by, elation and excitement. I fear it's now taken the form of underlying pain of absence, and my ability to deal with that seems to be diminishing every day we are apart.
Some old coping mechanisms and behaviour embedded during the formative times of previous relationships have reared its head, all stuff that freaks me out and I resent deeply. This emotional turmoil has stirred up some old thoughts and fears that, in turn, have triggered other behaviours and emotional responses, causing quite a wash of overwhelming good and bad thoughts.
I'm having difficulty quieting my mind at present. As I've written recently it's one of the things my brain does to stop me thinking bad thoughts, and it was one of the little flags that popped up when I realised I was feeling low again. I've read a little about meditation and how to clear the mind and I'd like to work more on that. I tried it this morning after waking and got frustrated within about five minutes of failure. One of the keys is practice, so I'm not going to give up just like that because I can see the benefits of being able to clear my mind, particularly when trying to get to sleep or on waking and wanting to return to slumber.
I'm frustrated by many things at the moment. I'd write a list but they all seem insignificant individually, and I'm unsure as to whether my frustrations are justified or a reaction to my mood in general.
Most concerning is the switch back to comfort eating. Heavy, fatty, sweet and rubbish foods are the order of the day again, while energy drinks battle tiredness and make me feel human again. I'm dependent on the buzz acquired from eating crisps and fatty foods and it's doing my head in, not least because I'm putting on weight quite rapidly. I remember how I felt when people started commenting on how much weight I'd lost last year, how fantastic it was to have to bring my belt in another notch and how incredible my self-esteem was enhanced every time I put a "medium" t-shirt on and felt comfortable in it.
Now, I'm putting weight on again and I'm definitely noticing it. The rubbish food diet has been creeping in since around my birthday last year and I'd guess I've put a stone in weight back on, of the one and a half I lost last year. Fucksocks, I hate that.
I'd love to say that right here and now I'm going to be more responsible in my shopping habits, better at home-cooking food instead of relying on munchies and processed crap to see me through, and walk more. I can't really see it happening until I get my head sorted, but I know that doing all of that would make me feel better and improve my self-esteem a millionfold. I guess I just need to regain the motivation for going out and exploring my locality; unfortunately there's not many paths around here I haven't explored, particularly on this side of town, so to make the most of new paths I need to travel out of town and walk back or travel across town and explore the paths on that side. I have had little smatterings of interest in the charity too, which'll help introduce motivation, but I'd like to do it off my own back. I know that walking is good motivation for healthy eating and healthy eating is a good motivation for walking; I just need to get out of the habit of eating for comfort and sitting on my arse distracting myself instead of getting out there and enjoying my headspace.
I'm noting here that I just went to the shop and steered clear of the easy option of a crappy cheese, mayo and onion sandwich, diet coke and crisps and got sesame Ryvita, humus and low-fat soft cheese instead. I know damned well this stuff tastes better and is slightly better for you than that other crap, so I'd like to think that last night's culinary abomination was a watershed in my eating habits.
Lots more to say but I've run out of steam here. I do feel a little better for getting some of this stuff out and I may blog again today or tomorrow to allow some more stuff to escape.
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