It's going to be ok

Those words make me so sad. I so desperately crave someone I trust to tell me that. I just don't know if I believe it and, sitting here crying while writing, I hurt like mad.

I thought of this song earlier while watching Battlestar Galactica. Adama said "It's going to be ok" to his son, and I felt emotional and kept the words in my head to write about now the episode's finished. Strangely, when I went to Youtube to dig the video out and clicked the link, I was already flooding with tears even before the song had started. It's a strong reaction and no mistake, and I really do feel that. I want someone to take me in their arms, stroke my hair and tell me everything's going to be ok. I want to believe it, I want to know it's the case, but I'm so scared. Afraid of investing so much emotion into something that could well be insurmountable, scared of losing something before it's even really begun, scared of fucking things up, terrified of the pressure placed on me to make it work.

I tell my friends, my family and my daughter. I wear a ring, I am attached, I'm taken. I'm committed, faithful and loving. And every day virtually everything I do is done to distract myself from the pain I'm feeling at being apart from Tess and the fears I list above, and more.

I want to believe it's going to be ok, I truly do. Despite knowing I have Tess, and Sophie, and my friends, I just feel quite alone right now.