So yes, I miss you

and that feeling's been growing throughout the day. I feel a bit rubbish for dumping a whole load of stuff in you between getting in from your evening out and getting to sleep, especially as you were in such a good mood, but I know you don't really mind and you'll be thinking "But that's what I'm here for babe". I bet you did. I adore that. I haven't managed to feel much better during the second half of the day but I'm coming to terms with one of the things I think has affected my mood today.

I do miss you. Terribly. I just watched a scene where a guy and a girl who thought they'd lost each other ran into each other's arms, smiling and laughing and kissing and hugging. It made me positively emotional, bringing me to the edge of tears. It feels a little like I've put the whole concept of three years apart to the back of my mind and locked it away for fear of it being too much to handle. I've concentrated on our planned meeting in October as the light at the end of the tunnel when in reality the tunnel could be considerably longer and filled with many dark spaces.

One of the reasons I became overloaded today was because you started to talk about visas and perhaps managing to come here in two years, and my heart jumped in my chest. I've foolishly set my mind on the idea that you could be here in a year to eighteen months and used that as a reference point for the future, effortlessly forgetting that there's a good chance it'll be considerably longer.

My immediate urge when thinking about us being apart for that long is to get a list together of options for bringing that time forward, or understanding what time-frames we're looking at for the long-term. I have deliberately stepped away from looking at potential visas or options for getting you over here because I'm terrified I'll see how difficult or impossible the whole idea is and panic. But now I've whirled up this confusion I have my usual motivation to understand it, and I feel it'd be beneficial to us both to work out what we can do and when, and set both our expectations as to probabilities and possibilities instead of what both of us have now, which is a whole bucket of uncertainty.

There are some certainties: I'm not going anywhere, I'm in this for the long haul no matter how much the distance hurts; I've seen how wonderful we can be together and I'll work hard to make it so we get our chance to show the world how it's done. I'll repeat something that's become quite a theme: if we can do this, we can last forever.