Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I hate my brain sometimes

especially when it tries to sabotage good things. Fortunately, in my modern Noely 2.0 SP1 form I recognise these niggles and catch them before they register as gospel and have a chance to modify my thinking to the negative.

I know it's just trying to protect me, and I have a choice as to whether I listen to it or not. I do have a choice. It's simple: This thought is wrong, this thought is right.

Ok, it's not that simple. My brain can't help but ask these tough questions, looking for answers and being suspicious, because of my past. I've been hurt, a lot and over a long period of time, by the events and legacy of a couple of old relationships. And now my brain appears to be sowing seeds of doubt in various furrows. Here, I'll let a few out:

Are her motives genuine?
Is this about me, or moving here?
Have I been groomed?

Stop it, brain! I don't want to think these things! It's insulting, it shows a lack of trust and it's insidiously poisonous. Why would I move to ruin something that's obviously wonderful and has such a gloriously promising future at such an early stage?

Something flashed into my mind as I was writing that: maybe it's easier to walk away now because the pain of being apart from the greatest love I've ever found will be too much to bear. Well I'll tell you what, brain: Not gonna happen! I'm in this for the long run, I'm here to build and solidify this love, this future, and I don't care how much it hurts because I know I'm capable and self-aware enough to deal with it.

This isn't the old me, this is me, now. Old me would be here sabotaging things and poisoning the thought supply; new me is here looking at these thoughts and laughing somewhat at how outdated they are. I love you, brain; you're trying to protect me and I'm thankful for it, but is there any way we can upgrade the software to correct the process by which you do what you do? If I wasn't paying attention, this could quite easily have ruined me.

I guess that's part of the deal, isn't it. The support package. I have to be always paying attention, consistently self-aware and introspective, so that bugs like this can be caught, processed, re-written and allowed to run free in the computer of my conciousness.

A thought occurs. We are regularly able to adjust how we behave in front of different people: we don't swear in front of our grandparents, we are polite in the presence of the police, we're often cheery with the nice lady in the supermarket because their optimism is infectious. So is it possible to adjust this old behaviour as easily as being a different 'me' around these people?

It's a habit, I guess. I've fallen into a habit of over-analysis and negativity and suspicion, when what I fundamentally want to do is just get on with it. Is it enough for me to acknowledge these thoughts as they arise, calm them or deflect them and let them be? No, I don't believe it is, because the minute I let my guard down they have their chance to poison good things, and I don't think they should have the power to do that in the first place.

Quick-fire round!

Why is my brain doing this?
It's trying to protect me using old behaviour.

What is the trigger?
In this instance it's meeting someone new and recognising old patterns and feelings.

How do you feel about it?
It's wrong, dangerous and I don't need this old behaviour in my modern thinking.

What is your motivation for change?
It feels poisonous, it has the opportunity to ruin good things, and while I appreciate its rationale, I know my life would be better without the particular methodology these thoughts use.

How would you like to change it?
I'd like to be able to just accept something for what it is, instead of over-analysing and being suspicious. I'd like to maintain the model of protection with more positive processes instead of being driven by fear.

What would remove your fears?
Trust, I suppose. Am I over-analysing this? Do I not want to admit that I'm having difficulty trusting Tess? No, I don't want to admit that because it has the power to hurt her, but this comes from within and isn't anything she's done to trigger it. So yes, trust. This is something I have to work on, not something she has to prove.

What are the barriers to this?
My shitty old-brain thinking. I'm actually getting angry thinking about it. I think I'm confused and a little overloaded and I'm not sure I can do this now; the more I think about the the more frustrated I'm getting.

I think I'll take a little space and make some consultations before carrying on.

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