in a couple of days. I feel absolutely awful, I'm crying as I write and I can barely concentrate on one thing at a time. I feel like my heart's been torn apart. I feel like punishing myself for getting so deep into something that was always going to end up hurting me.
At the start of December I met a girl. I've known her for a couple of years but we recently spent a fair bit of time together and she's more wonderful than I could have imagined. We talked and laughed and shared each other like a chocolate box. There was warmth and closeness and touch and tickle and teasing and relaxation and excitement and heaven. We spent a morning enjoying each other and an afternoon walking through a hoar frost to the local gardens, slip-sliding, solidifying our friendship, taking a hundred photos, eating chocolate muffins under gently falling ice and laughing with each other. A couple of weeks later, four more days spent in each other's arms and pockets and minds. Another couple of weeks, and two whole weeks together at home, then a week travelling around the country visiting landmarks and castles and wonderful places.
Her attention and compliments have filled me with such incredible feelings; happiness, confidence, sexuality, appeal, almost disbelief to some extent. That disbelief is suspended by the realisation that yes, this beautiful woman liked me enough to share herself with me. I keep shaking my head and exclaiming, but the memories of the time we spent together are keeping me warm and fuzzy as I sit here in my cold office.
Now she's gone and the feelings that come with the separation are almost unbearable. There was no explosive breakup, no cause for our pain other than the end of an era, a fixed period of time that neither of us could adjust. The distance between us might as well be a million miles because it feels like much much further.
I don't want a long-distance relationship; neither of us do. I've told myself a few times over the past couple of months that were she within thirty or forty miles I'd be much more open to it, but it's quite a bit further than that. I'm a touchy-feely guy. I'm almost sure I couldn't cope with the frustration of not being close enough to touch, to cuddle, to make love, whenever the temptation caught us. I've waited so long for love I fear I couldn't wait for connection if I found it. There's something thrilling about having to wait, but in this instance the waiting may be too much to bear.
I'm fighting with myself to stick to my guns and stick to our promises that we'd end it when she returned home, but my heart is desperate to open up to the idea of staying together despite the distance. We're giving it a few days for the dust to settle before we sit down to have a long conversation about the future. Between then and now I've got a dinner and chat with my best friend to help sort my head out, a big walk with my parents at the weekend and maybe a night out with friends to keep my feet on the ground. Hopefully this should all give me an opportunity to get my head straight and see things from a bigger perspective, because at the moment I feel like I'm in a hole looking out and I don't think that's the right place from which big decisions should be made.
I'm not sure whether trying a long-distance relationship will help relieve our aches and yearnings, or magnify them. I don't know if we should try and hold on to this love, despite the distance, or let each other go to try and move on. It's so hard to think with all these crazy ups and downs, highs and lows running around my brain.
Give yourself time, eh? Take your time, relax, get some rest, talk to people and see where you are in a week. Take your time.
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