from someone who read my last post, and I'd like to explore the issue here. Their suggestion that my need for control and order may stem from my ex's manipulation rang true in my mind and made me feel quite emotional when I first read it. Here's a paraphrase:
"It's perfectly natural and understandable, your ex's actions and behaviour manipulated you so totally that you had zero control of the situation, it's become almost an intrinsic part of your nature to compensate for that now. Could it also be a security/safety thing? In order to feel safe inside yourself, you need things to go to an organised plan... when that doesn't pan out, it freaks you more than it should? Takes you back to how you felt 12 years ago?"
Yes! Very helpful insights here, making me think how it does feel to have plans changed. I get tetchy, a bit shitty, distracted and generally somewhat all over the place until plans are fixed and I know what's going to happen. In fact, I often say to daughter "you know I like to know what's happening", a phrase which raises a wry smile right now.
So I like things planned out and when plans are disrupted I feel incredibly uncomfortable and sometimes act that out in irritability or general malaise. If I focus on the feelings now it's like a drop in my stomach, a lowering of the head and gentle anger or emotion bubbling up in my throat; all very physical sensations which not only indicate the strength of the feelings involved but that I may be suppressing some emotion too.
Someone recently asked me what the trigger for my depression was, and I told them the story of when my ex told me she was pregnant with our daughter. That was the day it all changed from relative normality to relative chaos, the day I knew she was completely mental but stuck by her because she was carrying our child. The reason I mention this is that when I thought of plans going awry, the image of that moment when she said 'I've lost the twins, but don't worry, I'm pregnant again" flashed through my mind. One moment I'm the proud (if somewhat confused and suspicious) father-to-be of twins, the next I'm told of a miscarriage and new pregnancy and I'm reeling.
Jesus. Writing that out now, it's a wonder I ever got better. I can't believe the strength of that moment, the power she had to take my feelings and emotions, my love and my DNA, and twist and turn them to meet her needs without considering mine. It really makes me bite, I can feel the anger behind it bubbling like a cauldren at the top of my neck.
Ever since, she had control. During the relationship she controlled me on a daily basis with anger and sex, even using our daughter as a tool in her games. After the relationship, our daughter became her only bargaining chip and she used it to full effect, regularly threatening to withhold access and contact if I didn't bow to her whim. Looking back, I'm not surprised I turned to weed and alcohol to escape this; in my mind it sounds like a living nightmare.
So my fixation with plans not being disrupted, and being very uneasy if they are, could stem from the above. That very moment, where plans were in place and suddenly changed, confused and dismayed me, taking my planned future away, replacing it with someone else's. It definitely feels right that modern disruption causes me to revert to that mode.
Another image just flashed through my mind, one I'm sure I've blogged about but can't find right now - the image of my mother in tears, taking me and my brother away because she was leaving our father, for good this time of course, comforting us that everything will be ok now. This happened a few times and I can see how this would shape an attitude to change for the future. Going from a stable and relatively secure home to being displaced half-way across the country with all the uncertainty that involves must've been terrifying. Will I ever see my home again? What'll happen to my dad? I've left all my toys at this house. Why is this happening again? Will it end like it always does, or will we be gone for good?
There it is: it's the uncertainty, the unanswered questions, the inability to shape the present to follow a coherent direction for the foreseeable future. These disruptive trips, and subsequent manipulation by my ex, have shaped a modern man who turns into a frightened boy whenever plans are disrupted.
I want to examine this further but I'm finding it quite heavy going. I'm tired and although work is quiet I'm struggling to find the space to explore the feelings involved in all this, so I'll try again later. For now, it's comforting to have discovered some of the underlying reasons behind something that's been on my mind for a while.
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