Monday, November 8, 2010

I still haven't found my release

and the emotion behind it is building day by day, but in a really positive way.

Good news everyone! Sophie and I have got a new two-bedroom flat. We're housing-trust tenants on the top floor of a small block of beautiful new-build flats. It's all happened so stunningly quickly that my feet haven't touched the ground for almost a week.

I got a note through the door saying someone visited to verify our housing application. This was unexpected, although they did try to do it when we were put on the register but we couldn't find a mutually suitable appointment so they didn't get round to it. I called them and we made an appointment; when I asked what it was regarding she was quite coy and uninformative. Curious, I checked the most recent round of applications online and one of the flats I'd flagged had our band, our application date, and 'Offered' next to it. My heart jumped into my throat... Surely not? It can't be! We can't have been offered a flat already, can we?

I tried hard not to get excited because I really had nothing to go on, but I couldn't resist telling Sophie there was a small possibility we'd be offered somewhere. Two days later I got a call from the housing trust saying we'd come up first for a flat, and I felt like crying as I hung up the phone. We had a viewing on Thursday and accepted it on the spot. Friday, I woke up at 5am with my head fizzing, worked a busy shift at work then missed the bus to Aylesbury and ended up catching an expensive cab to sign the lease and pick up the keys. I didn't get back into town until after 7pm - a long day for me - followed by three pints with my good friends who, coincidentally, offered us a bunch of furniture and kitchenware.

On Saturday, I walked seven lovely hilly miles with my parents in the autumnal cloud, with a couple of huge views over Aylesbury Vale and two really challenging hills which had me puffing away. I used the day for some head-space and it really helped me stay sane.

Sunday came and we moved a whole bunch of stuff out of my friend's house and into the flat. We have *takes deep breath* two TVs, two DVD players, a Freeview box, a couple of cabinets, a single bed and mattress, a double bed, double mattress, king-size winter duvet and a bunch of bed linen, towels, a little bookshelf, a table and four chairs, lamp, enough (matching!) cutlery and crockery to feed eight people, mugs, glasses, baking dishes, pans, pasta and rice jars, a small sofa with a sofa-bed to follow, computer desk and chair, a couple of small tables and even some stylish pictures daughter's claimed to hang on her wall. And, most importantly, something I'd tagged-on to the mental list of Very Important Items for the New Flat: salt and pepper grinders.

Bloody hell, that's a lot of stuff to cross off the list. We moved it all into the flat over Sunday lunchtime and I treated the group to a pub lunch before heading home for a couple of hours to drink beer and watch the grand prix. Sunday evening, we went off to Oxford to see a comedian called Andrew Lawrence who was right up my street. Very good! I got home last night around eleven and almost instantly passed out into a solid slumber until my alarm went off this morning. Now I've come to work and despite a couple of mental hours at the start of the day it's now pretty quiet, giving me time for some much-needed reflection on what's happened over the past few days.

I feel rather detached from this whole experience. I feel almost like I've won the lottery and the size of the prize is struggling to settle into my brain. Everyone around us is so excited and pleased for us, and I'm having real trouble letting that happiness and excitement in because I'm stressed.

Why I'm stressed, I'm unsure. It feels a bit forced, to be honest, so maybe I just need to chill the fuck out. I guess I have caused to be stressed, just because on the surface this is all so uncertain and I have increased responsibility in ensuring everything goes smoothly for my daughter. Despite uncertainty in terms of things falling into place, moving our life out of our current place, carpets going down and us finding important things like a cooker, fridge and washing machine, under the surface much of the support is in place for it all to happen. I can borrow the money, we may qualify for a start-up grant, I have someone to supply and fit the carpet if he's not extortionately expensive, and all the other stuff I can find online and in the local papers. My head is certainly fizzing at everything yet to achieve, but I'm doing it, steadily and surely.

I'm just about finding room to start feeling happy.

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