in a purely metaphorical sense with the first 'official' client for my walking charity Walking for Wellbeing. Eight and a half miles of beautiful countryside, lots of listening and gentle questions and nudging the conversation in certain directions and she seemed to make real progress, just from having someone to talk to. I know from my own experience how helpful it can be to get things out of your brain and into words, but I wasn't really prepared for how much progress she'd make in the four or five hours we spent walking, resting and eating.
The whole process, taking her on with the charity, organising the walk, going out with her and listening, watching that progress being made has filled me with so much joy and satisfaction and given me such a buzz I don't know how to describe it. I even enjoyed sitting down for an hour afterward and writing up notes, making observations on what she said and how the whole thing went. It was a week ago now and I'm still feeling an overwhelming sense of achievement and I'm sure I will after our next walk in a week's time. I think I may have got lucky in that this client was one of my test cases last year so we've already done the introductory and getting-to-know-you stuff but I really enjoyed that too.
I'm incredibly pleased with myself. I've always had faith in the idea and the positive work that could be done with the concept, and it's brilliant to see that come to something. I'm feeling very smug and if I can't do that on my own blog, where can I do it?
During my own therapy I related a story about feeling uncomfortable receiving many wonderful gifts at my thirtieth birthday party. My self-esteem was rock-bottom and I had difficulty accepting the gifts because I didn't feel I deserved them and I felt like I should refuse to accept them. My therapist assured me that the person giving the gift derived pleasure from doing so, and that's kind of how I see this project. I give someone the gift of the great outdoors and an ear to bend, and if they accept it and enjoy it, I get pleasure from that.
I have to keep resisting the urge to pat myself on the back and big myself up but I'm not sure why I feel the need to stop myself. I know there's a fine line between being pleased with oneself and being smug and I guess I'm wary of crossing it, but I'm happy to accept praise from me directed at me occasionally and this time I think I deserve it.
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