Out with it

So, some truth. I've deliberately not invoiced some jobs at work to watch my boss squirm. It's about £800 worth of work and he's definitely squirming. This is probably an attempt at sabotaging my job.

I've procrastinated on sending off housing benefit and social housing application forms for no real reason. This looks like an act of sabotage.

I've cancelled a very important meeting with my solicitor for no good reason. This definitely seems like sabotage.

Why am I sabotaging everything? I'm pretty sure I know the answer: fear.

Fear of failure, fear of having the rug pulled out from underneath me, fear of getting everything moving and established then being unable to cope or having the walls come tumbling down. I'm scared so I keep putting barriers up to stop myself from getting hurt.

I saw a quote yesterday that triggered remorse about these actions: "Don't fear moving forward slowly, fear standing still." Trite but meaningful.

I seem to be constantly realising I'm doing these things but not really doing anything about them. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm completely shit at following through with things. Whether it's personal goals, work, business ideas, the charity or whatever, I stumble after the initial phases and stop trying. I've even noticed myself doing it with daughter; we seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut, repetitive and boring instead of the fresh and exciting we had for the first six months she lived with me, mostly because I've stopped making an effort.

I feel like I'm beating myself up a bit here but I think it's important to recognise these things and understand them, to give me a chance to overcome them.

The work thing is easily solved, even though I've put off solving it a few times already. I can get the forms off reasonably quickly (and in fact have just prepared the accompanying documents for the housing benefit forms so it's ready to go, and I should send it this afternoon for peace of mind. I get a little kick of pride every time I do something positive and constructive like this so I should give myself that gift today.

Plenty to do, plenty of reasons to do it, potential for motivation but very little actual action. I need a kick in the arse and no mistake.