Low, described

I keep sighing, my forehead is heavy. I'm yawning and lethargic and demotivated, watching the clock and begging silently for 3pm and the end of my working day. I want to enclose myself in my bedding and stare silently at trivial television, needing desperately to be informed and entertained but not actually bothered enough to do anything about it. I want to be outdoors walking and exercising but won't go so far as planning a walk or even putting my boots on. I'm irritable and impatient and there's anger bubbling underneath but I won't let it out. I'll let it fester and rot my brain because I want to damage myself. It's dark in here in my head, on the brink of enlightenment with ropes restraining me. There's so much potential in me but it's packed away, dispatch date unknown. I want to eat junk food until I'm sick, drink until I fall over and smoke until I forget. I want to wallow in self-pity, for the world to notice me and have sympathy and care, for just a moment.

Fortunately, the lows are very rare these days, and this is certainly the worst I've felt in a year or two. There's some exaggeration above but it's also a reflection on how I used to feel and where I could slip to, were I not mindful of where I'm headed. I'm confident I won't fall that far because I simply won't allow it and I know I'm stronger than that now. I've already arranged a walk with my folks this weekend which will certainly help blow some of this melancholy away.