and I'm becoming more certain the climb uphill will be worth it. I've spent the past few days feeling better about myself and the world in general, helped by some good organised activity over the weekend. On Saturday, daughter and I wandered into to town shopping for ingredients and baked choux pastry buns with vanilla cream and chocolate sauce, with savoury pancakes for dinner. We had great fun cooking the pastries and we need to make more of an effort to cook new dishes together more often - something we seem to be doing less as time goes on. On Sunday I walked eight miles with my parents in lots and lots of lovely sunshine and squishy ground. My legs ached and still do somewhat two days later, and I restored a tricky blister on my left foot which doesn't stop coming back. That pales in comparison to the huge benefits I got from just being outdoors, expending some energy and basking in the brilliant January sunshine.
When we stopped for lunch mum spotted snowdrop flowers, tiny white heralds of the era of the flowering plants. I was so chuffed I took a photo, although I've stopped myself getting excited until I see the first daffodils poking through, although I noticed it's light to almost 5pm now, and I saw the very faint glow of the approaching sun through the clouds as I left for work at 6.50am today. The days are steadily getting longer and there's almost time for me to fit in five miles after work before it gets completely dark. Hey! Daughter's busy this evening so why don't I do a quick five-miler round my regular circuit? That's a cracking idea, so if the weather's not rubbish I might just do that.
Daughter's got her eye on me, too. She asked her grandma to call me and check how I was on Sunday evening after my little dip on Tuesday and Wednesday. It's lovely that she'd do that, equally so that her grandma would care enough to ask me how I'm feeling. She's been incredibly supportive these past few months and continually offers her support every time she calls. It's like there's someone watching over us, which is wonderfully comforting.
So yes, onward and upward, steadily heading up the hillside. It's still a tough climb, but I feel much more positive about reaching the peak.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Triggers
I noticed something else which might have triggered this recent short bout of depression: alcohol.
Along with the stresses involved with work, a lack of money from three days off due to snow and generally being quite tired, the consumption of two litres of shitty strong cider on Sunday seems to have pushed me into this low, or at least lubricated the entry of a lot of negativity into my mind. I felt crap on Monday but worked anyway, skipped work and an important solicitor's meeting on Tuesday and skipped work on Wednesday. The latter two days were spent compounding how rubbish I felt on Monday and I only really snapped out of it after walking up the hill to the house after work yesterday.
That alcohol has the power to mess me up like that shows me I should stay away from it, other than a small drink or in social situations. For example, when I noticed weed was making me terribly paranoid, stopped me concentrating and turned me into a cleaning freak, I stopped buying it and now only smoke very occasionally and usually in company. Now I've noticed alcohol has the power to revert me to a depressive mess, I should take similar action to ensure my mind isn't in danger of losing itself again.
Along with the stresses involved with work, a lack of money from three days off due to snow and generally being quite tired, the consumption of two litres of shitty strong cider on Sunday seems to have pushed me into this low, or at least lubricated the entry of a lot of negativity into my mind. I felt crap on Monday but worked anyway, skipped work and an important solicitor's meeting on Tuesday and skipped work on Wednesday. The latter two days were spent compounding how rubbish I felt on Monday and I only really snapped out of it after walking up the hill to the house after work yesterday.
That alcohol has the power to mess me up like that shows me I should stay away from it, other than a small drink or in social situations. For example, when I noticed weed was making me terribly paranoid, stopped me concentrating and turned me into a cleaning freak, I stopped buying it and now only smoke very occasionally and usually in company. Now I've noticed alcohol has the power to revert me to a depressive mess, I should take similar action to ensure my mind isn't in danger of losing itself again.
Peon
I've noticed a vast difference between the way I feel at work and how I feel outside of work. It appears I've steadily become so disenchanted with working here it's snuck under the radar and has been bringing me down without realising it. When I think about work I get quite aggressive, negative and uncomplimentary. I don't want to arrive in the mornings and spend the day watching the clock until I leave. When it's busy it's not too bad because I'm good at what I do, I get into a zone and time passes quickly. When it's quiet it's very quiet and boring and I really hate being bored.
We progressively lost a huge chunk of work over December and during the snow of January. During December half of my shift's workforce were off for almost a fortnight due to a death in the family causing us to turn custom away. Then the snow came and hardly anyone came to work, meaning we couldn't provide the service and people went to our more savvy, much more professional and better-managed competition and haven't come back. No surprise really; this business is built on customer loyalty and when we mess them around they don't come back.
All this is happening at a time of reversion to bad habits for many in the company. There have been a couple of 'revolutions' this past eighteen months where my colleagues withheld some of their subscription money until the boss sorted out some major corruption in the company, where a select few would get all the well-paying jobs leaving everyone else with the minnows. It caused no end of friction between certain colleagues and with the management and I was generally in the middle listening to both sides while trying to stay out of it.
As predicted after the last concord, things are steadily going back to shit and one of the worst offenders is one of the bosses and his son, who bend the rules so blatantly I've been gnashing at the bit every time I witness it. Even within the past half an hour they've fucked about three times and I just know everyone else sees it happening and it pisses them off too. Subsequently I get colleagues complaining to me about their behaviour and I can't do anything other than sit and nod and agree 'Yes, it's terrible' without even really wanting to care.
I knew this time would come and I'm amazed it's taken more than two years, but it's definitely time to move on. This is great inspiration to get my business off the ground and build something I can be proud of, something where I make and enforce the rules and control the situation from the top, instead of being an under-paid, under-appreciated peon.
We progressively lost a huge chunk of work over December and during the snow of January. During December half of my shift's workforce were off for almost a fortnight due to a death in the family causing us to turn custom away. Then the snow came and hardly anyone came to work, meaning we couldn't provide the service and people went to our more savvy, much more professional and better-managed competition and haven't come back. No surprise really; this business is built on customer loyalty and when we mess them around they don't come back.
All this is happening at a time of reversion to bad habits for many in the company. There have been a couple of 'revolutions' this past eighteen months where my colleagues withheld some of their subscription money until the boss sorted out some major corruption in the company, where a select few would get all the well-paying jobs leaving everyone else with the minnows. It caused no end of friction between certain colleagues and with the management and I was generally in the middle listening to both sides while trying to stay out of it.
As predicted after the last concord, things are steadily going back to shit and one of the worst offenders is one of the bosses and his son, who bend the rules so blatantly I've been gnashing at the bit every time I witness it. Even within the past half an hour they've fucked about three times and I just know everyone else sees it happening and it pisses them off too. Subsequently I get colleagues complaining to me about their behaviour and I can't do anything other than sit and nod and agree 'Yes, it's terrible' without even really wanting to care.
I knew this time would come and I'm amazed it's taken more than two years, but it's definitely time to move on. This is great inspiration to get my business off the ground and build something I can be proud of, something where I make and enforce the rules and control the situation from the top, instead of being an under-paid, under-appreciated peon.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Low, described
I keep sighing, my forehead is heavy. I'm yawning and lethargic and demotivated, watching the clock and begging silently for 3pm and the end of my working day. I want to enclose myself in my bedding and stare silently at trivial television, needing desperately to be informed and entertained but not actually bothered enough to do anything about it. I want to be outdoors walking and exercising but won't go so far as planning a walk or even putting my boots on. I'm irritable and impatient and there's anger bubbling underneath but I won't let it out. I'll let it fester and rot my brain because I want to damage myself. It's dark in here in my head, on the brink of enlightenment with ropes restraining me. There's so much potential in me but it's packed away, dispatch date unknown. I want to eat junk food until I'm sick, drink until I fall over and smoke until I forget. I want to wallow in self-pity, for the world to notice me and have sympathy and care, for just a moment.
Fortunately, the lows are very rare these days, and this is certainly the worst I've felt in a year or two. There's some exaggeration above but it's also a reflection on how I used to feel and where I could slip to, were I not mindful of where I'm headed. I'm confident I won't fall that far because I simply won't allow it and I know I'm stronger than that now. I've already arranged a walk with my folks this weekend which will certainly help blow some of this melancholy away.
Fortunately, the lows are very rare these days, and this is certainly the worst I've felt in a year or two. There's some exaggeration above but it's also a reflection on how I used to feel and where I could slip to, were I not mindful of where I'm headed. I'm confident I won't fall that far because I simply won't allow it and I know I'm stronger than that now. I've already arranged a walk with my folks this weekend which will certainly help blow some of this melancholy away.
Out with it
So, some truth. I've deliberately not invoiced some jobs at work to watch my boss squirm. It's about £800 worth of work and he's definitely squirming. This is probably an attempt at sabotaging my job.
I've procrastinated on sending off housing benefit and social housing application forms for no real reason. This looks like an act of sabotage.
I've cancelled a very important meeting with my solicitor for no good reason. This definitely seems like sabotage.
Why am I sabotaging everything? I'm pretty sure I know the answer: fear.
Fear of failure, fear of having the rug pulled out from underneath me, fear of getting everything moving and established then being unable to cope or having the walls come tumbling down. I'm scared so I keep putting barriers up to stop myself from getting hurt.
I saw a quote yesterday that triggered remorse about these actions: "Don't fear moving forward slowly, fear standing still." Trite but meaningful.
I seem to be constantly realising I'm doing these things but not really doing anything about them. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm completely shit at following through with things. Whether it's personal goals, work, business ideas, the charity or whatever, I stumble after the initial phases and stop trying. I've even noticed myself doing it with daughter; we seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut, repetitive and boring instead of the fresh and exciting we had for the first six months she lived with me, mostly because I've stopped making an effort.
I feel like I'm beating myself up a bit here but I think it's important to recognise these things and understand them, to give me a chance to overcome them.
The work thing is easily solved, even though I've put off solving it a few times already. I can get the forms off reasonably quickly (and in fact have just prepared the accompanying documents for the housing benefit forms so it's ready to go, and I should send it this afternoon for peace of mind. I get a little kick of pride every time I do something positive and constructive like this so I should give myself that gift today.
Plenty to do, plenty of reasons to do it, potential for motivation but very little actual action. I need a kick in the arse and no mistake.
I've procrastinated on sending off housing benefit and social housing application forms for no real reason. This looks like an act of sabotage.
I've cancelled a very important meeting with my solicitor for no good reason. This definitely seems like sabotage.
Why am I sabotaging everything? I'm pretty sure I know the answer: fear.
Fear of failure, fear of having the rug pulled out from underneath me, fear of getting everything moving and established then being unable to cope or having the walls come tumbling down. I'm scared so I keep putting barriers up to stop myself from getting hurt.
I saw a quote yesterday that triggered remorse about these actions: "Don't fear moving forward slowly, fear standing still." Trite but meaningful.
I seem to be constantly realising I'm doing these things but not really doing anything about them. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm completely shit at following through with things. Whether it's personal goals, work, business ideas, the charity or whatever, I stumble after the initial phases and stop trying. I've even noticed myself doing it with daughter; we seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut, repetitive and boring instead of the fresh and exciting we had for the first six months she lived with me, mostly because I've stopped making an effort.
I feel like I'm beating myself up a bit here but I think it's important to recognise these things and understand them, to give me a chance to overcome them.
The work thing is easily solved, even though I've put off solving it a few times already. I can get the forms off reasonably quickly (and in fact have just prepared the accompanying documents for the housing benefit forms so it's ready to go, and I should send it this afternoon for peace of mind. I get a little kick of pride every time I do something positive and constructive like this so I should give myself that gift today.
Plenty to do, plenty of reasons to do it, potential for motivation but very little actual action. I need a kick in the arse and no mistake.
Another low
Thinking about it, I've been on a bit of an up-and-down routine for a few months now. This past few days are the lowest I've felt for a fair while, even getting to the edge of tears while trying to explain myself in simple terms to daughter.
Our weekend plans were simple: relax on Saturday, shopping in the city on Sunday so daughter could spend her Christmas vouchers. Saturday went off without a hitch, but Sunday was scuppered by the lack of buses running on the last day of the week. What a joke.
By the second half of Sunday I was really rather bored. As the cupboards were almost bare I walked into town to relieve the monotony and stock up for dinner. While wandering around the shop I spotted a two-litre bottle of Diamond White and slipped it into my basket with hardly a second thought.
The buying of alcohol was preempted before I'd even left the house. I'd imagined a bottle of white wine, or a four-pack of lager, but I was instantly gravitated towards the mind-rot. Drinking is something I used to do to keep entertained and get through loneliness and boredom, but I'd worked on losing the habit after daughter came to live because I didn't want to be tipsy around her. Now, here I was wandering back home with dinner, treats and a little treat for myself.
I was reasonably good, apart from the actual act of drinking it. I waited an hour or two before starting it, making it a more realistic 6pm with dinner drink instead of 4pm with crisps. I took it pretty steady because daughter was up until 8pm and I didn't want to get merry with her around.
Jesus, I really don't like myself for drinking it. I told myself 'That's enough' after the first litre but soon polished-off the second. I stayed up too late, drank too much shit strong alcohol and ruined myself for the next day and, it seems, for the following few too.
Today is Thursday. I worked Monday feeling rough in the morning but better after some food. I stayed up too late for my hangover Monday night and called in sick Tuesday morning for no reason other than I felt really, really sorry for myself. I compounded this by keeping the curtains drawn and spending all day under the duvet snoozing, watching uninspiring tv and playing uninspiring games. I battled with my self-pity all day, determined to get back to work on Wednesday so I get paid a reasonable amount next week.
That night, I texted my boss and told him I wouldn't be in the following day, Wednesday. This was incredibly stupid, but seemed to feed some cheeky juvenile part of me that enjoyed 'bunking off' at school, not that I did it that much as a kid. It's terrible behaviour and something I've done enough in the past to see for what it is - it's an attempt to sabotage myself and make things worse, possibly as a form of punishment.
I spent Wednesday slouched on the mattress under the duvet until shortly before daughter came home from school. She'd asked a few questions in the morning which made it obvious she didn't really believe I was ill and were probing to see what was wrong and when I'd be going back to work. Bless her, she was worried about me and about money, so I tried to put her mind at rest a bit in the evening and hopefully I managed it. It did make a few things clear to me though:
Staying at home when I'm feeling low is incredibly counter-productive.
I'm still very lonely, despite having daughter around. I'm craving companionship and longing for someone to share the work at home and, I hate to admit, to share the responsibility of being a parent. There've been a couple of occasions recently where I've glimpsed the wonderful benefits of having someone else as part of the family, or felt like I'm somewhat overloaded both with menial tasks (even though realistically I'm not) and emotionally. I've never missed having a partner so much as I do now I'm a parent, and it scares me somewhat to admit that. It's not even like I'm looking for a mother for daughter - maybe I just need a bit of a break. Even a couple of days would be handy, with or without daughter. I've known for a while I need a holiday, and all this brings it home a little.
Anyway, that was Wednesday evening and I subsequently told my boss I'd be at work today and here I sit, destroying my soul for a few quid. Man, I fucking hate this job, and should use this motivation to push my business plan forward and try to secure some funds to get it off the ground.
This morning I felt rubbish but having sat here and bashed this post out I feel a bit better. It's been more than two weeks since my last post and I think I need to keep the momentum going and post more regularly because I do find it a useful outlet when I've got noone to talk to, which seems like most of the time at the moment. That's my own fault of course, and I should make an effort to find someone to talk to - maybe I'll email today to see if I can get an appointment with the CPN.
I also need to pull my finger out and get forms sent off for housing benefit, council housing and get my appointment sorted with the solicitor. This latter point may have contributed in a noticeable way to my low period as I cancelled a planned appointment on Tuesday because I felt so crap. This is a huge priority and it's bugging me that the legal process isn't underway - perhaps pointing to a more deep-seated fear related to a rumour about daughter's mother's determination to get her back.
To be continued...
Our weekend plans were simple: relax on Saturday, shopping in the city on Sunday so daughter could spend her Christmas vouchers. Saturday went off without a hitch, but Sunday was scuppered by the lack of buses running on the last day of the week. What a joke.
By the second half of Sunday I was really rather bored. As the cupboards were almost bare I walked into town to relieve the monotony and stock up for dinner. While wandering around the shop I spotted a two-litre bottle of Diamond White and slipped it into my basket with hardly a second thought.
The buying of alcohol was preempted before I'd even left the house. I'd imagined a bottle of white wine, or a four-pack of lager, but I was instantly gravitated towards the mind-rot. Drinking is something I used to do to keep entertained and get through loneliness and boredom, but I'd worked on losing the habit after daughter came to live because I didn't want to be tipsy around her. Now, here I was wandering back home with dinner, treats and a little treat for myself.
I was reasonably good, apart from the actual act of drinking it. I waited an hour or two before starting it, making it a more realistic 6pm with dinner drink instead of 4pm with crisps. I took it pretty steady because daughter was up until 8pm and I didn't want to get merry with her around.
Jesus, I really don't like myself for drinking it. I told myself 'That's enough' after the first litre but soon polished-off the second. I stayed up too late, drank too much shit strong alcohol and ruined myself for the next day and, it seems, for the following few too.
Today is Thursday. I worked Monday feeling rough in the morning but better after some food. I stayed up too late for my hangover Monday night and called in sick Tuesday morning for no reason other than I felt really, really sorry for myself. I compounded this by keeping the curtains drawn and spending all day under the duvet snoozing, watching uninspiring tv and playing uninspiring games. I battled with my self-pity all day, determined to get back to work on Wednesday so I get paid a reasonable amount next week.
That night, I texted my boss and told him I wouldn't be in the following day, Wednesday. This was incredibly stupid, but seemed to feed some cheeky juvenile part of me that enjoyed 'bunking off' at school, not that I did it that much as a kid. It's terrible behaviour and something I've done enough in the past to see for what it is - it's an attempt to sabotage myself and make things worse, possibly as a form of punishment.
I spent Wednesday slouched on the mattress under the duvet until shortly before daughter came home from school. She'd asked a few questions in the morning which made it obvious she didn't really believe I was ill and were probing to see what was wrong and when I'd be going back to work. Bless her, she was worried about me and about money, so I tried to put her mind at rest a bit in the evening and hopefully I managed it. It did make a few things clear to me though:
Staying at home when I'm feeling low is incredibly counter-productive.
I'm still very lonely, despite having daughter around. I'm craving companionship and longing for someone to share the work at home and, I hate to admit, to share the responsibility of being a parent. There've been a couple of occasions recently where I've glimpsed the wonderful benefits of having someone else as part of the family, or felt like I'm somewhat overloaded both with menial tasks (even though realistically I'm not) and emotionally. I've never missed having a partner so much as I do now I'm a parent, and it scares me somewhat to admit that. It's not even like I'm looking for a mother for daughter - maybe I just need a bit of a break. Even a couple of days would be handy, with or without daughter. I've known for a while I need a holiday, and all this brings it home a little.
Anyway, that was Wednesday evening and I subsequently told my boss I'd be at work today and here I sit, destroying my soul for a few quid. Man, I fucking hate this job, and should use this motivation to push my business plan forward and try to secure some funds to get it off the ground.
This morning I felt rubbish but having sat here and bashed this post out I feel a bit better. It's been more than two weeks since my last post and I think I need to keep the momentum going and post more regularly because I do find it a useful outlet when I've got noone to talk to, which seems like most of the time at the moment. That's my own fault of course, and I should make an effort to find someone to talk to - maybe I'll email today to see if I can get an appointment with the CPN.
I also need to pull my finger out and get forms sent off for housing benefit, council housing and get my appointment sorted with the solicitor. This latter point may have contributed in a noticeable way to my low period as I cancelled a planned appointment on Tuesday because I felt so crap. This is a huge priority and it's bugging me that the legal process isn't underway - perhaps pointing to a more deep-seated fear related to a rumour about daughter's mother's determination to get her back.
To be continued...
Monday, January 4, 2010
I'm looking around for support groups for lone parents
and just looking is making me feel pretty emotional. Perhaps I need some support more than I realised.
I ordered a 1989 copy of One Parent Plus - old school fundamentals, I thought. Approaching some of the subjects, just in the first twenty pages or so, has brought me to the edge of tears a couple of times. It hadn't really occured to me that I would react like this, and I'm intrigued as to why it's happening.
It's a similar feeling to one I get with two other triggers - emotional relationship and family stuff on TV, and approaching emotionally-sensitive subject matter. In subjecting myself to the idea of looking for some support as a single parent, I'm probably pushing both of those buttons at the same time. What it does show me is that I've probably buried or disregarded some important and volatile emotions recently and they're trying to surface when I drop the bait in, and I'm scared of confronting what I feel about recent events.
One thing I've learned over the past couple of years is that I should investigate these feelings further, especially if they provoke the kind of emotional response I've had today. The close-to-tears feeling used to be (and seemingly still is) a catch-all emotion replacing anger, resentment, fear and self-doubt with a single, reactive feeling which gives no real clues as to its source or purpose.
That I'm at all interested in confronting the underlying emotion, and I've recognised the phenomenon at all, is very comforting a sign of my continuing progress in the right direction. Every time I do something of benefit to me, I reward myself with an injection of pride and worthiness, and that's a feeling that's definitely worth having.
I ordered a 1989 copy of One Parent Plus - old school fundamentals, I thought. Approaching some of the subjects, just in the first twenty pages or so, has brought me to the edge of tears a couple of times. It hadn't really occured to me that I would react like this, and I'm intrigued as to why it's happening.
It's a similar feeling to one I get with two other triggers - emotional relationship and family stuff on TV, and approaching emotionally-sensitive subject matter. In subjecting myself to the idea of looking for some support as a single parent, I'm probably pushing both of those buttons at the same time. What it does show me is that I've probably buried or disregarded some important and volatile emotions recently and they're trying to surface when I drop the bait in, and I'm scared of confronting what I feel about recent events.
One thing I've learned over the past couple of years is that I should investigate these feelings further, especially if they provoke the kind of emotional response I've had today. The close-to-tears feeling used to be (and seemingly still is) a catch-all emotion replacing anger, resentment, fear and self-doubt with a single, reactive feeling which gives no real clues as to its source or purpose.
That I'm at all interested in confronting the underlying emotion, and I've recognised the phenomenon at all, is very comforting a sign of my continuing progress in the right direction. Every time I do something of benefit to me, I reward myself with an injection of pride and worthiness, and that's a feeling that's definitely worth having.
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