She said

"She said it seemed pointless for me to see her today on my birthday as it'd only be for a couple of hours between school and us going out for dinner, so can we do it tomorrow instead? I don't know if I want to see her or go to the club, because she'll probably only say she's got to *air quotes* work after I've been there two hours anyway."

I gave her a hug when she said this as we walked into town for her birthday meal. She seemed very happy despite her mother's indiscretions; she'd been the centre of attention a couple of times at school, once because all the girls in the changing room sang Happy Birthday really loudly for her, and the other because she totally crashed onto the teacher while attempting a vault in PE. She'd opened a few lovely presents from various branches of family in the morning, a few more on returning from school and some gifts from me shortly before going out. She loved her gold sleeper studs which I've wanted to get her for a while but the cost has been prohibitive.

So, as we walked to the Chinese restaurant she came out with this phrase. It's the first time I've heard her actively predicting that her mum will mess her around, and certainly the first time I've heard her express a simple choice between something like her club and seeing her mum.

This is what it's come down to. Her mum's been so lax and apathetic in her contact with her daughter that she's tempted to go and hang out with a few girls of varying ages at her 'support club'. Mummy or club? If it were Daddy or club, I'd make absolutely sure that I was the more attractive option... In fact, no. I'd never let our relationship be in a position where the question needs to be asked in the first place.

Her mother made no effort over the past week to make arrangements to see daughter on her birthday. When daughter finally texted her to ask if she wanted to meet up, she effectively told her 'I don't care if you're going for dinner with Daddy, it's a mother's right to see her daughter on her birthday.' When daughter tried to arrange to see her on Sunday, she was told mummy would phone back within a couple of hours. Guess what? No phone call, no text, nothing. It was up to daughter to chase her mother, and nothing came of it. Eventually, she went to see an ex-friend of her mum's and by all accounts spent a few hours bad-mouthing her. This ex-friend, who's incredibly sweet and really adores daughter, ultimately saw through her mum's lies and deceptions and was even hit by her once. So, after being disappointed for the umpteenth time, daughter went to this lady's house and probably slagged her mum off over a cup of tea and a biscuit. This is evidenced by a couple of facts daughter passed on yesterday - she never actually worked 'there' or she did 'such and such'.

I'm constantly confused by her mother's nonchalant attitude towards her daughter, especially on such special occasions as her becoming a teenager. It baffles me that someone can do these things to someone they purportedly love and cherish, yet still carry on as if everything's fine, no worries, they'll love me unconditionally no matter what I turn into. Totally out of the ballpark.

It's superbly comforting and quite telling that despite all this, daughter is pretty happy and balanced overall. It shows that she's a real tough cookie, that the support she's receiving from people such as her grandparents, school friends and counsellor is really helping, and that the stability at home over the past ten months has been a very positive influence.