was thrown into the works yesterday as I discussed my business plans with my entrepreneurial brother. He told me that at their workshop they'd been discussing their requirement for someone in the office to do admin, update the web sites and design leaflets - all stuff I'm entirely capable of doing. The pay would instantly increase my income by 75% with a view to double that eventually. People say money doesn't buy you happiness, he said, but they're completely wrong. He associated my history of mental health issues with never having any money, and said now he's better-off he doesn't have to worry about anything at all. If he has a problem, he throws money at it and it gets sorted.
While that does sound kinda sweet, it's not me. Bro is entirely that person - driven, successful, a go-getter, charismatic and charming, good-looking and buff, always chasing the bigger and better. He is what many people call 'a cunt' but he's also a top bloke and I love him to bits.
Me, I'm different, and more aware of myself than I've ever been. I'm determined to get my own small business off the ground to show me I can actually do something worthwhile, that I can start something and finish it and make a success of it. I've known for a long while that sitting in an office in front of a computer pumping out design and data and communication really isn't my thing, and no amount of money will ease the potential for hating my job and it dragging me down into a dark place. The outcome of that would be having to let my brother down (again), quit and find another job or try to start this business when at the bottom of my game, and that's not something I'm prepared to risk. Not only would it be an investment of time and money and effort on on my brother's part and while I know he's more than willing to take the risk and give me the chance to prove myself, I'm reasonably sure it's a dead cert I'll fuck it up.
It's not only this that's stopping me considering it. I'll happily admit I'm scared of letting him down and disgracing myself openly in front of my family and colleagues, but it's much more than that. Since I stopped cleaning windows more than two and a half years ago, I've craved the outdoors and the activity and the driving around. I don't care about the cold or the rain, the dirt or the ladders, the money collections or the admin, the leafleting or the pricing. Doing those things for myself, getting work from people, completing it and getting paid for it, all off my own back, is something I have to do. I want to provide a reasonable income for daughter and I and respect myself for building up a good income from nothing. I know I can do the work and enjoy it, I know the work is out there, and I know how to get it.
Bro is hopefully coming over on Saturday to discuss the business prospects and help get me on my way. It's crossed my mind that I might ask him to fund the business start-up in return for, say, twenty days work over six months for his business, which might suit us both. Who knows, but it's great that we're open enough to discuss the nuances of each other's personalities and finances.
I'm pleased I've finally taken the plunge and asked him to come over. I need to keep the momentum going with the business and get it launched while the spring is... springing.
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