have been on the cards the past few days. Smiles because I'm finally beginning to feel a little better overall, and misdirected anger because it looks like half my air fare is in the balance. I was going to try and push the airline for a full refund minus 5% admin, then minus £100, then try for credit towards a flight in the next twelve months. I'll still push for that latter option, but I've given up the overall fight. I desperately need the money and I've just got no fight left in me.
I had to have it pointed out to me that my anger isn't being channelled the right way. I instantly jumped on the airline's back when I heard back about the refund, when in truth my anger should be directed elsewhere. That's where the spark of my fight has gone, fizzling into the ether like a dud firework.
Everyone around me is angry with Tess. I should be angry at Tess. I am angry at Tess, but that anger isn't going to change anything, and I'd rather not inflict it on her during her exams. I don't really want to inflict it in her at all. I need to feel it, I suppose, instead of keeping it in like I usually do... *goes to put on Rage Against The Machine*
ARGH GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING ARGH WHYYYYY ARGGGGH!? FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I WORKED SO HARD FOR THAT MONEY, SOPHIE AND I SACRIFICED QUALITY OF LIFE FOR WEEK AND WEEKS FOR THE £463 WE'VE LOST. FOR FUCK'S SAKE arrarARARAHRJHARGR GRHrhaarh rgargAHGRA HRHGARH GARGH!
ARGH. Fuck. Anger. BASTARDS. Fucking money. Four hundred and sixty three fucking quid!¬?£!"$ ARRRRRRRGHHHHHH GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Yes.
It's taken me this long to work out how I feel about everything and I'm still a touch fuzzy but hopefully I'll make enough sense to get my thoughts across. I spent a long time talking to myself while out for a walk yesterday, cleared a few things up and answered a few questions, so I finally feel like I can put things into words.
As I said during our skype on Wednesday, back in January I didn't want to get into a relationship with you because I wanted you, my good internet friend, to go to university with the freedom to find yourself, to go and have a social life and meet folk your own age and grow and flourish without being tied down to someone you couldn't touch.
I'm so, so glad we tried. I'm over the moon that we had our time together in December and January. I'm honestly so pleased you are going forward, breaking out of your social anxieties and now have that chance to find your footing with people in your home country. Maybe the next two and a half years will help restore your faith in your compatriots.
Please, go out there, get drunk, sleep around, meet fantastic people, have huge fun, learn from your mistakes and try to take some inspiration from me - there ARE men out there who will treat you like a princess, who will love you and care for you and try their hardest not to let you be hurt because you ARE worthy. You're a wonderful person, your love and care and appreciation of the world at large are hugely attractive. You're bright and sexy and funny and you'll go far, I just know it.
I am hurting and struggling to let go a little. I had such hope for our future, wonderful dreams of our life together. That those dreams are gone is hard to accept, but I don't blame you for that. I'll handle it, I'll get through, because I am realising I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. You've helped me see myself for who I am, you've reinforced my positives and shown me where I could improve. You've given me the confidence to move forward and to try again, in time, to forge a relationship with the right person.
I know I'm not alone in those feelings of pain. Take your time, step away from blaming yourself, reflect as much as you can and please, don't be afraid to cry.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
What am I doing to myself?
Worrying, mostly. Compounding that worry with speculation, impulsive conclusions and a generally heavy downturn in mood. Things haven't really been the same with Tess this past four or six weeks, we've been less communicative, relying on each other less and generally drifting apart. I am constantly batting thoughts back and forth and it's doing me no good whatsoever, so I thought I'd write to see if I can offload some stuff that I don't really feel I can talk to other people about.
Two or three weeks ago, I confronted Tess after a week or two of concern following a distinct downturn in communication coming from her. She'd been through a change in medication, sleeping pattern and social life and over a period of time I felt I was becoming less important to her. In our conversation I was a bit of a thoughtless dick, but I made my point and we talked it through and I felt better because I got some reassurance from her that things were no different between us.
At the time, I'd hoped for more communication from her, thinking that our chat might have encouraged her to dedicate at least a few minutes a day emailing me or trying to arrange a convenient time for both of us to chat, but it hasn't happened. I honestly didn't think I could miss Tess any more than I have over the past eight months, but I have recently. I've not felt as alone as this since she went back to Australia. So I've spent the past week or two since our discussion hoping that things would pick up between us, sending emails encouraging replies, hoping to hear back and getting a dialogue going again.
Even though both our routines have changed recently, I was sure a little more effort would be enough to make sure we could keep communication flowing. Unfortunately, I've had so little back from Tess it's got my head racing. Last week she forgot to send me a photo, so I reminded her and she sent one back. This week she's forgotten again and I've not reminded her, to see if she'll realise herself. I reckon this is probably a little childish but the mere fact she's forgotten to do something we've done every week over the past eight months, two weeks in a row, tells me her dedication isn't as strong as it once was. We've hardly discussed my trip to visit her since I booked my ticket four weeks ago, we've not booked anywhere, we've not discussed an itinerary, nothing.
I'm going to be honest here, totally honest. I have seriously considered cancelling my ticket to Australia, on the basis that if the next two and a half years of our long-distance relationship are going to be like the last few weeks, I know I'll be totally unable to handle it. My brain is running away with me after just two or three weeks.
Perhaps I'm just not strong enough to handle the distance. Maybe I don't have enough self-belief to really trust myself to do this in the long term. I guess if I was strong enough, I wouldn't be sat here in front of the computer with a heavy head, sweaty hands and on the verge of tears. This whole deal is making me question my dedication to the relationship, and the very act of questioning it tells me I'm insecure.
Whether my insecurities are founded or not, time will tell. I got a terse email today saying "I really need to talk to you" - no sign of a photo, an email back to say hi, she's glad I enjoyed walking the dogs, she got her bruise doing such and such. No hugs, no kisses, no "I love you". Nothing like that. So now my tummy hurts and my brain's swirling round and round with possibilities of what she needs to talk about.
My visit? Her time off? Money? Her trip here next year? Is she going in a different direction? Is she as disenchanted as I am? I feel like I'm crumbling. Only a few hours to go until I find out what she needs to say. I wonder what I'll say?
Two or three weeks ago, I confronted Tess after a week or two of concern following a distinct downturn in communication coming from her. She'd been through a change in medication, sleeping pattern and social life and over a period of time I felt I was becoming less important to her. In our conversation I was a bit of a thoughtless dick, but I made my point and we talked it through and I felt better because I got some reassurance from her that things were no different between us.
At the time, I'd hoped for more communication from her, thinking that our chat might have encouraged her to dedicate at least a few minutes a day emailing me or trying to arrange a convenient time for both of us to chat, but it hasn't happened. I honestly didn't think I could miss Tess any more than I have over the past eight months, but I have recently. I've not felt as alone as this since she went back to Australia. So I've spent the past week or two since our discussion hoping that things would pick up between us, sending emails encouraging replies, hoping to hear back and getting a dialogue going again.
Even though both our routines have changed recently, I was sure a little more effort would be enough to make sure we could keep communication flowing. Unfortunately, I've had so little back from Tess it's got my head racing. Last week she forgot to send me a photo, so I reminded her and she sent one back. This week she's forgotten again and I've not reminded her, to see if she'll realise herself. I reckon this is probably a little childish but the mere fact she's forgotten to do something we've done every week over the past eight months, two weeks in a row, tells me her dedication isn't as strong as it once was. We've hardly discussed my trip to visit her since I booked my ticket four weeks ago, we've not booked anywhere, we've not discussed an itinerary, nothing.
I'm going to be honest here, totally honest. I have seriously considered cancelling my ticket to Australia, on the basis that if the next two and a half years of our long-distance relationship are going to be like the last few weeks, I know I'll be totally unable to handle it. My brain is running away with me after just two or three weeks.
Perhaps I'm just not strong enough to handle the distance. Maybe I don't have enough self-belief to really trust myself to do this in the long term. I guess if I was strong enough, I wouldn't be sat here in front of the computer with a heavy head, sweaty hands and on the verge of tears. This whole deal is making me question my dedication to the relationship, and the very act of questioning it tells me I'm insecure.
Whether my insecurities are founded or not, time will tell. I got a terse email today saying "I really need to talk to you" - no sign of a photo, an email back to say hi, she's glad I enjoyed walking the dogs, she got her bruise doing such and such. No hugs, no kisses, no "I love you". Nothing like that. So now my tummy hurts and my brain's swirling round and round with possibilities of what she needs to talk about.
My visit? Her time off? Money? Her trip here next year? Is she going in a different direction? Is she as disenchanted as I am? I feel like I'm crumbling. Only a few hours to go until I find out what she needs to say. I wonder what I'll say?
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