during a skype call with Tess yesterday. She only smiled once or twice for the whole call, and when I asked her about it, she said "I just miss you, so much."
Earlier in the week I'd revealed that our gmail chat conversations were sometimes a trigger for my binge eating, for much the same reason. Our chats, while satisfying and fulfilling and loving, are a strong reminder of the vast barrier between us, the yearning in my heart and the deep desire for proximity. They're a daily opportunity to remind me how long we have until we're together, the nearest opportunity being ten weeks away, the next being ten months.
I knew this aspect of our relationship would be painful, but I didn't realise how insidious it would be. It is a creeping and underlying hurt, like a dull toothache that only occasionally meets consciousness, but is sub-consciously always there causing tension. I guess it might be easier to deal with if it came in waves or noticeable occurrences - at least there would be the opportunity to deal with it head-on. However, now that I've noted its effects and seen a parallel in Tess's feelings, I can't help but think this is a chance to understand it and deal with it as part of the package of our love.
Of course we miss each other. It seems cruel, in a way, that we had almost a month of blissful, overwhelming contact but have been forced apart for the past six and a half months. The chances I had to ask her to stay, and I think she would have... a large part of me wishes I'd taken a chance. My reasons at the time were valid, though: I didn't want to interrupt her chance to study the course of her dreams, to thrive through her university years, to perhaps find love on her way.
At that time, we were having a fling, something with a defined end, and I was clinging onto the hope that we could both let it go when we parted. That was the easy way out, but it soon became apparent that we'd rather take the harder path, for the rewards were so much greater. We knew it would be hard. We investigated all the options so we could be together sooner but, for various reasons, we'll be sticking to approximately six-monthly visits of three to four weeks a visit.
I'm unsure yet whether these visits will make things easier or more difficult. One of the elements that concerned me when deciding whether to carry this relationship on after parting was: would parting again be as hard? Will our meetings take the edge off our yearning or simply enhance it? I don't have the answer to that yet, although common sense suggests it will get easier over time. I hope that's the case, because I can't imagine it being much harder than it is now.
These visits, though, do represent bright, shining beacons of hope in our relationship. I can only speak for myself but without them, I fear I'd be unable to carry on. If it were to be another two and a half years until we could be together again, even only for a day, I don't think I'd be able to cope. Time does fly however, and this distance is giving us both an opportunity to grow, in preparation for our future life together.
This pain is Totally Worth It. It does hurt, and it's something I'd like to come to terms with more effectively, but it is a constant reminder of how much we care for each other. I'd like to be able to turn it into a driving force, a positive, instead of something that stops us from smiling. I wonder if there's a way?
No comments:
Post a Comment