I'm not sure if I cried when they left. I do remember thinking the fateful phrase "That's it. I'm never getting angry, ever again" – the foundations for an impenetrable mental wall which contributed so strongly to my mental health issues over the years between then and now. The whole two years previously were so emotionally charged, so impulsively driven that I was left reeling and feeling empty for a long time afterward.
The image flashed through my mind, and an old thought accompanied it, tangible only for a split second, hardly recognisable as a thought but important enough in the context I was writing about to bring about a realisation: I punish myself for being a bad partner and a bad parent.
I know why it was just a flicker, an automatic thought, almost a single neuron firing in my brain: it's so incredibly well-practiced and embedded in my personality that it takes no effort at all for it to manifest, do its damage, place its blame and disappear again. It can do it in the blink of an eye. I don't think I've ever noticed it doing its work in the intervening twelve and a half years but this thought, this idea that I was a bad partner and a bad parent, has been like a single miner with a blunt pick, tenderly but gradually chipping away at my self-esteem and feeding my desire to punish myself.
OK, I don't really hate myself in terms of how I'm going to phrase this… probably* But I hate myself for not making things work with daughter's mother, and I despise myself even more for letting daughter go out of my every-day life in that way. I know it wasn't all my fault, that it takes two to make relationships work and two to break them up, and I know deep down that I'd have gone completely insane if I had to live with daughter's mother any longer, but that doesn't wash away my guilt. I feel terrible that I left daughter with a mother I didn't consider fit to be involved in society, let alone be a parent. I'm blessed that the man her mother ended up with a few months after we separated was a stabling influence in daughter's life, and I take some credit for that too, but christ, it's hard to shake this guilt.
* I definitely hate myself less than I did before I had my therapy, which is a good thing.
After this morning's post I did a little research online, which consisted of typing "How to stop punishing yourself" and clicking on the first link that came up. It hit the spot quite well, actually, and I'd like to base the rest of this post on following its simple 4-step plan to see if I can come to terms with this guilt and perhaps stop punishing myself for something which happened more than four and a half thousand days ago.
- Acknowledge and own the mistake – if something isn't our fault, how can we take action to correct the situation? By accepting responsibility for the mistake we make ourselves "response able"
I wish I could say that was corny, but it's fucking inspired. Yes, as much as I blame daughter's mother for a lot of things that happened during our time together and, indeed, to this day, breaking-up with her was my idea, my fault, my cross to bear. I took that action to save us, all three of us, from a future of arguments, deceit and violence. I accept the consequences of that action in respect of how it's affected my mental health and my self-esteem until now. - Identify the mistake – whatever the source of the problem, we need to identify it as clearly and completely as possible
I could go on for ever, but I'll try to be concise. The problem was, I should have got out a long, long time before I did. Within a few weeks of meeting daughter's mother I knew it was wrong, I knew she wasn't right for me and I knew it would cause me pain in the future if I stuck with her. The thing was, within a few weeks of meeting daughter's mother she was pregnant with daughter, and I let my old-fashioned and "good boy" morals take over and I stuck with her for the child, despite the complete and obvious unsuitability of the relationship. This was entirely my mistake and I've spent more than twelve years learning lessons to stop it happening again. - Correct the problem – make sure that, to the best of our ability, we have implemented a solution that should prevent the same mistake from recurring. Be proud of this accomplishment – it enables us to let go of our disappointment, guilt, frustration, fear, anger, etc
Well, while writing out the paragraph above I was telling myself "There's absolutely no way in the world I'm letting that happen again" although now I write that statement I see how it could be holding me back, specifically from embarking on relationships again. I must have faith that I've learned my lesson and will simply never let that happen again. I was taken advantage of, deceived, abused, I had my sperm hijacked for personal gain and that will never happen again. I'm stronger than that now, less naïve, much more grown-up and capable as an individual and in relationships. I don't know if there's a substantial system or procedure in place to stop it happening, but my knowledge, barriers and emotional growth should be enough to keep my head above the water should a similar situation present itself in future.
I've just added "Be proud" from the web site, and that statement makes me feel quite emotional. I am so proud of what I've achieved over the past few years, especially in terms of emotional development and my contribution to my daughter's life. As I said above, I am stronger now, I'm more self-aware, more mature and emotionally capable which gives me the confidence to say this will never happen again. I want to give myself the gift of letting go of the blame and recrimination the "bad partner, bad parent" thought brings, and I feel entirely able to do that now.
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