More changes

I have further reason to believe my daughter will be coming to live with me full-time. The situation gives me cause for concern and celebration, which is a confusing mix of emotions to have racing around my head.

Firstly, having daughter living with me and knowing that it'll be for the foreseeable future will give me the opportunity to aim for what I wrote about in my last post. Knowing she'll be with me for good lets me plan for our future and move forward with security of situation, instead of what's been in place since Easter, which has been a confusion of uncertainty about where she'll end up.

I'm obviously torn with a number of emotions about the whole situation. Firstly, and almost overridingly, is the feeling that having her living with me full-time is all I've ever wanted since her mother and I split up. That sounds pretty selfish to write, but it's how I feel. The image of her mother walking away down the path with daughter looking at me over her shoulder on the day they moved out, just after her first birthday, is seared into my mind like an old sepia photograph. Since that day it's been part of my whole being that I'm missing seeing her at breakfast every day, or cooking and eating dinner with her in the evenings. The hours and days lost with my flesh and blood can never be recovered but will always be regretted.

Secondly, there's apprehension about how this will affect my daughter. She's been through so much since Easter that this final change might be a sting in the tail for her. It's certainly her desire to live with her mum, but that looks less and less likely as time goes by. I'm sure she can see during this week she's spending at her mum's place that things are unstable in their relationship - there's been some indication that's the case. But I know it's going to be difficult for her to come to terms with all of this. I've already made enquiries about some counselling for her when the time's right - I'm sure she would benefit from talking to someone external to the situation.

And how do I feel about it all? Happy, generally. Confused, plenty. Apprehensive, definitely. But having the situation and the future set out in stone like this gives me the chance to make plans and move forward. Sure, it's a big change, and will trigger even more changes, but they're generally all positive and constructive.