Confusion

I'm a real muddle of thoughts today.

Daughter's come back from a planned week at her mum's house with a list of tearful stories about fights and arguements and grown-ups involving her in their dramas. Within thirty seconds of picking her up, she was in tears. She said her week had been terrible, her mum and mum's fella had argued every night for the past five, she'd been caught up in the middle, plans had been rearranged, he pushed her mum, kicked the fridge etc. It sounds pretty bloody rubbish, and she released a whole lot of built-up tension in the form of sobs on a bench in the park.

Despite having had such a bad time, she still wants to go back there to live. This has got me so confused it's making me dizzy.

For a start, it's admirable and commendable that she's so loyal to her mum she's willing to go back despite all the crap that's going on. She obviously loves her mum and wants things to work; whether all this is possible is very unclear at the moment.

It does make me ask myself, however, what's so unattractive about living with me that she's willing to go home into this turbulent situation? I feel selfish for even thinking about it, but I've learned to listen to myself about these things.

I know the situation at my place isn't ideal. I sleep on a mattress in my living room because she's taken over my bedroom. While we get by for food and stuff for school etc, I'm not well off financially by any measure. I've noticed I've become tetchy recently, and sometimes my frustration or stress gets focussed on daughter, which certainly isn't fair and is something I'm trying to avoid.

That's not to say there aren't good things - we do a lot together: cooking, games, tv and movies, homework... There's generally a lot of laughter.

So yeah, I know things aren't ideal at my place. But it makes me feel so inadequate that she'd choose the tension and uncertainty of moving back with her mum over the stability of living with me. It also screams of self-destructive behaviour. It makes me think that the child she is desperately wants her mother's love and validation, while the adult she's becoming can see the dangers but is willing to let her take the risk. It's very hard for me to accept this.

I still want to give her the choice, but it seems so strikingly obvious to me that she's going to get hurt and disappointed, or live a life in a house where the two adults are hell-bent on destroying each other, maybe dragging her along with them. Even her mum's mum is surprised she still wants to go home. I tried to put it into perspective for her by reversing the situation and asking what advice she'd give me if I were about to move into an abusive relationship that she knew wasn't going to work and I'd get hurt. She started crying and told me she'd ask me not to go. It looks like she's having a real inner battle trying to decide what to do. I'm not surprised - she's just twelve and while she's very mature and has a strong head on her shoulders she's definitely still a child inside.

Fortunately, we'll see our good friend tomorrow, who daughter said 'always gives really good advice' and I can only agree. Hopefully she can help daughter clear up what's in her mind and give her some direction and stuff to think about. God knows I'm so embroiled in the situation it's impossible for me to give impartial and sound advice, especially as I feel so strongly she's taking a destructive path.