Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Walking for Wellbeing
I've been working on starting a charity called Walking for Wellbeing which helps sufferers of depression by taking them out for walks in the countryside. It's been great getting my head back around HTML and stylesheets and writing all the copy, and I'm really happy with the result. You can see the site at Walking for Wellbeing.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Confusion
I'm a real muddle of thoughts today.
Daughter's come back from a planned week at her mum's house with a list of tearful stories about fights and arguements and grown-ups involving her in their dramas. Within thirty seconds of picking her up, she was in tears. She said her week had been terrible, her mum and mum's fella had argued every night for the past five, she'd been caught up in the middle, plans had been rearranged, he pushed her mum, kicked the fridge etc. It sounds pretty bloody rubbish, and she released a whole lot of built-up tension in the form of sobs on a bench in the park.
Despite having had such a bad time, she still wants to go back there to live. This has got me so confused it's making me dizzy.
For a start, it's admirable and commendable that she's so loyal to her mum she's willing to go back despite all the crap that's going on. She obviously loves her mum and wants things to work; whether all this is possible is very unclear at the moment.
It does make me ask myself, however, what's so unattractive about living with me that she's willing to go home into this turbulent situation? I feel selfish for even thinking about it, but I've learned to listen to myself about these things.
I know the situation at my place isn't ideal. I sleep on a mattress in my living room because she's taken over my bedroom. While we get by for food and stuff for school etc, I'm not well off financially by any measure. I've noticed I've become tetchy recently, and sometimes my frustration or stress gets focussed on daughter, which certainly isn't fair and is something I'm trying to avoid.
That's not to say there aren't good things - we do a lot together: cooking, games, tv and movies, homework... There's generally a lot of laughter.
So yeah, I know things aren't ideal at my place. But it makes me feel so inadequate that she'd choose the tension and uncertainty of moving back with her mum over the stability of living with me. It also screams of self-destructive behaviour. It makes me think that the child she is desperately wants her mother's love and validation, while the adult she's becoming can see the dangers but is willing to let her take the risk. It's very hard for me to accept this.
I still want to give her the choice, but it seems so strikingly obvious to me that she's going to get hurt and disappointed, or live a life in a house where the two adults are hell-bent on destroying each other, maybe dragging her along with them. Even her mum's mum is surprised she still wants to go home. I tried to put it into perspective for her by reversing the situation and asking what advice she'd give me if I were about to move into an abusive relationship that she knew wasn't going to work and I'd get hurt. She started crying and told me she'd ask me not to go. It looks like she's having a real inner battle trying to decide what to do. I'm not surprised - she's just twelve and while she's very mature and has a strong head on her shoulders she's definitely still a child inside.
Fortunately, we'll see our good friend tomorrow, who daughter said 'always gives really good advice' and I can only agree. Hopefully she can help daughter clear up what's in her mind and give her some direction and stuff to think about. God knows I'm so embroiled in the situation it's impossible for me to give impartial and sound advice, especially as I feel so strongly she's taking a destructive path.
Daughter's come back from a planned week at her mum's house with a list of tearful stories about fights and arguements and grown-ups involving her in their dramas. Within thirty seconds of picking her up, she was in tears. She said her week had been terrible, her mum and mum's fella had argued every night for the past five, she'd been caught up in the middle, plans had been rearranged, he pushed her mum, kicked the fridge etc. It sounds pretty bloody rubbish, and she released a whole lot of built-up tension in the form of sobs on a bench in the park.
Despite having had such a bad time, she still wants to go back there to live. This has got me so confused it's making me dizzy.
For a start, it's admirable and commendable that she's so loyal to her mum she's willing to go back despite all the crap that's going on. She obviously loves her mum and wants things to work; whether all this is possible is very unclear at the moment.
It does make me ask myself, however, what's so unattractive about living with me that she's willing to go home into this turbulent situation? I feel selfish for even thinking about it, but I've learned to listen to myself about these things.
I know the situation at my place isn't ideal. I sleep on a mattress in my living room because she's taken over my bedroom. While we get by for food and stuff for school etc, I'm not well off financially by any measure. I've noticed I've become tetchy recently, and sometimes my frustration or stress gets focussed on daughter, which certainly isn't fair and is something I'm trying to avoid.
That's not to say there aren't good things - we do a lot together: cooking, games, tv and movies, homework... There's generally a lot of laughter.
So yeah, I know things aren't ideal at my place. But it makes me feel so inadequate that she'd choose the tension and uncertainty of moving back with her mum over the stability of living with me. It also screams of self-destructive behaviour. It makes me think that the child she is desperately wants her mother's love and validation, while the adult she's becoming can see the dangers but is willing to let her take the risk. It's very hard for me to accept this.
I still want to give her the choice, but it seems so strikingly obvious to me that she's going to get hurt and disappointed, or live a life in a house where the two adults are hell-bent on destroying each other, maybe dragging her along with them. Even her mum's mum is surprised she still wants to go home. I tried to put it into perspective for her by reversing the situation and asking what advice she'd give me if I were about to move into an abusive relationship that she knew wasn't going to work and I'd get hurt. She started crying and told me she'd ask me not to go. It looks like she's having a real inner battle trying to decide what to do. I'm not surprised - she's just twelve and while she's very mature and has a strong head on her shoulders she's definitely still a child inside.
Fortunately, we'll see our good friend tomorrow, who daughter said 'always gives really good advice' and I can only agree. Hopefully she can help daughter clear up what's in her mind and give her some direction and stuff to think about. God knows I'm so embroiled in the situation it's impossible for me to give impartial and sound advice, especially as I feel so strongly she's taking a destructive path.
Friday, September 18, 2009
More changes
I have further reason to believe my daughter will be coming to live with me full-time. The situation gives me cause for concern and celebration, which is a confusing mix of emotions to have racing around my head.
Firstly, having daughter living with me and knowing that it'll be for the foreseeable future will give me the opportunity to aim for what I wrote about in my last post. Knowing she'll be with me for good lets me plan for our future and move forward with security of situation, instead of what's been in place since Easter, which has been a confusion of uncertainty about where she'll end up.
I'm obviously torn with a number of emotions about the whole situation. Firstly, and almost overridingly, is the feeling that having her living with me full-time is all I've ever wanted since her mother and I split up. That sounds pretty selfish to write, but it's how I feel. The image of her mother walking away down the path with daughter looking at me over her shoulder on the day they moved out, just after her first birthday, is seared into my mind like an old sepia photograph. Since that day it's been part of my whole being that I'm missing seeing her at breakfast every day, or cooking and eating dinner with her in the evenings. The hours and days lost with my flesh and blood can never be recovered but will always be regretted.
Secondly, there's apprehension about how this will affect my daughter. She's been through so much since Easter that this final change might be a sting in the tail for her. It's certainly her desire to live with her mum, but that looks less and less likely as time goes by. I'm sure she can see during this week she's spending at her mum's place that things are unstable in their relationship - there's been some indication that's the case. But I know it's going to be difficult for her to come to terms with all of this. I've already made enquiries about some counselling for her when the time's right - I'm sure she would benefit from talking to someone external to the situation.
And how do I feel about it all? Happy, generally. Confused, plenty. Apprehensive, definitely. But having the situation and the future set out in stone like this gives me the chance to make plans and move forward. Sure, it's a big change, and will trigger even more changes, but they're generally all positive and constructive.
Firstly, having daughter living with me and knowing that it'll be for the foreseeable future will give me the opportunity to aim for what I wrote about in my last post. Knowing she'll be with me for good lets me plan for our future and move forward with security of situation, instead of what's been in place since Easter, which has been a confusion of uncertainty about where she'll end up.
I'm obviously torn with a number of emotions about the whole situation. Firstly, and almost overridingly, is the feeling that having her living with me full-time is all I've ever wanted since her mother and I split up. That sounds pretty selfish to write, but it's how I feel. The image of her mother walking away down the path with daughter looking at me over her shoulder on the day they moved out, just after her first birthday, is seared into my mind like an old sepia photograph. Since that day it's been part of my whole being that I'm missing seeing her at breakfast every day, or cooking and eating dinner with her in the evenings. The hours and days lost with my flesh and blood can never be recovered but will always be regretted.
Secondly, there's apprehension about how this will affect my daughter. She's been through so much since Easter that this final change might be a sting in the tail for her. It's certainly her desire to live with her mum, but that looks less and less likely as time goes by. I'm sure she can see during this week she's spending at her mum's place that things are unstable in their relationship - there's been some indication that's the case. But I know it's going to be difficult for her to come to terms with all of this. I've already made enquiries about some counselling for her when the time's right - I'm sure she would benefit from talking to someone external to the situation.
And how do I feel about it all? Happy, generally. Confused, plenty. Apprehensive, definitely. But having the situation and the future set out in stone like this gives me the chance to make plans and move forward. Sure, it's a big change, and will trigger even more changes, but they're generally all positive and constructive.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Changes
I'm almost positive that daughter will end up back living with me sometime over the next few weeks. The situation at her mum's seems simply far too unstable for me to believe her mum and mum's boyfriend are going to stay together for much longer.
This has been at the back of my mind for a while but it's only now I've admitted it. If she does come back for good, this should be the catalyst for me to get a proper job, apply for a council house and any benefits that we might be entitled to, get ourselves sorted for a normal life instead of this poor substitute, where there's no space or storage or possessions or freedom to do things which involve money. I'd like two bedrooms, please, and two double beds. A living room, my own kitchen. Maybe a little garden for herbs and tomatoes. How about becoming someone who's succeeding in life and might even attract a lady friend - I'm ready now. I'd love to take on the responsibility for running a household, saving money for bills and those little emergencies which appear from time to time. I'd like to feel I'm providing the best for my daughter and for myself, whereas for the past year or two I've been doing just enough to get by and not much else.
On reflection, this ambition should stand whether daughter comes to live or not. Aim higher, do better, earn more, do more, achieve what you want.
Wise hypno-prick says 'If you just keep doing what you've always done, you'll just get more of what you've already got.' I've applied this theory to my diet and alcohol intake and achieved great things with it. Maybe it's time to apply it to my whole life.
This has been at the back of my mind for a while but it's only now I've admitted it. If she does come back for good, this should be the catalyst for me to get a proper job, apply for a council house and any benefits that we might be entitled to, get ourselves sorted for a normal life instead of this poor substitute, where there's no space or storage or possessions or freedom to do things which involve money. I'd like two bedrooms, please, and two double beds. A living room, my own kitchen. Maybe a little garden for herbs and tomatoes. How about becoming someone who's succeeding in life and might even attract a lady friend - I'm ready now. I'd love to take on the responsibility for running a household, saving money for bills and those little emergencies which appear from time to time. I'd like to feel I'm providing the best for my daughter and for myself, whereas for the past year or two I've been doing just enough to get by and not much else.
On reflection, this ambition should stand whether daughter comes to live or not. Aim higher, do better, earn more, do more, achieve what you want.
Wise hypno-prick says 'If you just keep doing what you've always done, you'll just get more of what you've already got.' I've applied this theory to my diet and alcohol intake and achieved great things with it. Maybe it's time to apply it to my whole life.
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