and I don't really know why. I want to spend a little while now probing where it's come from to see if I can get to the bottom of it. I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself and I dislike it - it's affected my mood, motivation, sleep and general wellbeing and I want to see if there's something fundamental causing it so I can aim to get back on my feet.
I know I'm overloaded, I can feel it. After work yesterday I spent half an hour on the phone supporting my mum. It's a strange thing, this reversal of roles. It's hard, very hard, not least because I appear to be the only person willing and able to give a reasonably honest and clear view of the whole situation she's in. I feel like I should say "NO! I don't have the capacity to take this on right now!" and in a way I have - I have insisted she see a counsellor, lean on her support workers and call The Samaritans if she needs to offload. I haven't gone as far as saying "I can't help" because I know for sure she's depending on me, but much more and I'll have to make a point of explaining my limitations.
I'm close to booking my ticket to Australia. This is very, very exciting but I'm rather anxious about it. It's a lot of money. It's a huge commitment for the household, for Sophie, for me, Tess and Tess's family. So much rides on all this, but it's a definite "go". I've just emailed and asked my friend for some money back that I lent him and his family so I've got enough in the bank to book the ticket. It may be the case that I can have it back straight away, or I might have to wait a couple of weeks. Either way, I'm looking forward to booking it as it puts the seal on six months of planning and hope, it sets the dates for my trip and lets me focus on saving spending money for the journey and my five weeks away from work.
Blah. Stumbling over words and distracting myself. Not getting anywhere with this. Maybe I'll try again later.
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