When I was talking to my friend about these issues, I had a total crash in mood. I felt like crap. I went from happy and conversational to low and introvert in a flash. I said:
"I guess I had my paternity taken from me and used against me."I've just had a revelation, while writing that last quote. Maybe I've been keeping myself out of relationships for the past *counts* my god, it's got to be approaching ten years! Jeez, I didn't realise it'd been so long. A decade without love. Shit. That's gotta change.
"I've considered getting a vasectomy. I figure it's the only way I could be 100% sure it wouldn't happen again."
"I guess I need to get over what she did and learn to trust..."
"I have real insecurities about having children in the future."
Sorry, my point. The reason I've used for not being attached in the past is that I've been off the shelf, not ready, too depressed, I've needed to work on me and be comfortable with myself before I can expect people to be comfortable with me. All well and good, I guess, but I fear it's been a smokescreen, an easy excuse hiding the real fear underneath. The thing is, I've been fixed for a couple of years now; I continue to work hard every day to further understand and develop myself, but fundamentally I'm a whole person again.
So, I have trust issues, and I also have difficulty finishing during sex, which I think is quite understandable given the circumstances laid out in my last post. I can illustrate my thoughts on this with another quote from the chat with my friend:
"Who wants a sexual project? I've had so little sex since this all happened I feel like I'm a few grades behind. I think the lack of physical experience and limitations of psychological issues are holding me back in even beginning to look."
I guess I'm not as complete as I thought I was. The betrayal, the hijacking of my kindness, good nature and fertility is still holding me back and stopping me enjoying life totally. The thought occurs that I may need to forgive daughter's mother for what she did if I'm to have any chance of moving past it, but shit that's going to be hard. I also need to accept some of the blame, come to terms with how I feel about what happened and look at how I dealt with it and what procedures I put in place to stop it happening again. This should be fun.
To forgive her. I honestly don't know if I can. But for a minute, I'll put myself in her shoes: sixteen, wayward, already drinking and smoking, sexually active since she was twelve, kicked out of home having seriously fallen out with her father and she's without her family and home comforts for the first time in her life. She's desperate for some affection, some love, someone to look after her and spoil her like she's used to. She finds a man, a kind and sweet man, and sees him as her opportunity to be stable. Maybe she loves him eventually, but probably not. He provides for her, ignores that she's missed her exams and disregards her occasional lies. Whether she's pregnant when she meets him is unclear - she has had quite a few 'phantom' pregnancies and 'miscarriages' in the past twelve years, at least one of which was proven to be complete bullshit - but she gets pregnant to keep the roof over her head, the food and the affection coming her way.
I'm astounded, looking at it this way, that she could be so utterly callous and carefree with creating human life, not least that she could so happily manipulate a nice person into creating it with her. She appears to have lived purely moment to moment and not stopped to think about the consequences of her actions, and it just amazes me. I've told parts of this story to people over the years and they've been shocked; having been through them personally I've never truly felt shocked by it all before, but I feel shocked now.
It occurs to me that she may not have been pregnant when she met me, but soon after we met she told me she was so I'd stay with her, then spent the first couple of months trying to conceive so that the dates wouldn't look crazy when she finally did give birth. I guess I'll never know the truth, and I could speculate about it forever and a day and not reach any firm conclusions, so I should accept this as in the past and move on.
Anyway, back to the point. I can understand the hows and whys of what she did, but I don't know if I can forgive her. I'm so angry with her. I'm utterly furious, in fact. How DARE she use me like that? What gave her the right to take my seed, my soul, my very being and use it to her advantage in that way? The bitch. Two fucking years of my life being ripped to sheds by deceit and manipulation. Another ten years of control and guilt and depression. Fuck her. What a terrible, horrible cunt. I wish she'd just disappear. Fuck off to the other side of the world and never come back, get struck down by some horrendous debilitating disease and never bother us again.
And relax. I don't get angry at her very often. We used to fight a lot and I hated it. She'd start a fight for no apparent reason and push and push. Once, after a night out and with two friends downstairs, we had lots of drunken shouting and aggression and she wouldn't let me out of the bedroom to go for a walk and calm down. More shouting and arguing, I shouted for someone to call the police. Frustration mounting, she punched the side of my head, knocking my glasses flying, so I punched her twice in the face. Still she wouldn't let me leave, so I jumped out of the bedroom window, from the first floor of the house, landing flat on my arse on the ground outside. Another time we fought, I went to the front door to leave and calm down but she blocked my way, refusing my exit. We shouted and screamed and she still wouldn't let me leave, so I nutted her. Her head flew back from the impact of my strike and shattered a small glass panel on the front door. These were the two most violent episodes of our relationship, but there were many dozens more screamy, shouty fights. It was these fights that suppressed my anger when we split up, and that suppression is why I don't get angry at her very often. It occurs to me that there is a pattern in both those instances, and that she seemed to stop me leaving so that I'd get more and more angry and ultimately lash out. She told me after we split up that she actually enjoys arguing, it gives her a buzz. The fucking freak.
I've spent a lot more time with my parents recently and I've come to realise how much their fighting effects my mood and instantly takes me back to being a little boy, maybe five or six, scared shitless by his father's shouting. I think my fights with daughter's mother brought some of that back, and one of the main reasons I called time on the relationship is because I didn't want daughter growing up with parents who fought like mine did during my childhood.
Another reason we separated is because she'd started to talk about having another child. I'd explicitly said that I wanted to wait a year or two before to achieve stability before we had another baby. Honestly, I probably knew then we'd separate eventually but I was trying to keep things together for the sake of our daughter. She kept pushing the issue, trying to change my mind, and I thought it was only a matter of time before she 'accidentally' got pregnant again, so that definitely contributed towards my decision to end it.
By ending the relationship, I ended any possibility that this person could do that to me again. But what of others doing it to me? I realise now that it's unlikely; I've put a lot of work into me, my self-awareness and self-esteem, and I don't think I'd get myself into that position again. I'm also unsure whether I'll ever encounter someone so fundamentally nasty again, so maybe I just need to take that to heart and open myself up to Miss Right.
But to forgive her? Do I have to? I quite like this hatred. It's comforting and it's been part of me for so long it feels as if it's twisted around my being like poison ivy.
I've asked google how to forgive. I often ask google these things and it throws up interesting articles which are occasionally helpful. So let's see this one at stress.about.com
Express yourself - tell the other party how you feel, or write a letter and tear it up.
I think I've covered that above, although it may help further to write her a letter and not send it. I might just do that.
Look for the positive - find the silver lining
What better positive than the most wonderful person in the world, the person we created? My god, she's awesome. Such a beautiful girl with a good heart, bright and studious and attentive. She's funny and cheeky and mature and immature and lots of other things. She reminds me of her mother sometimes, in good ways. She often reminds me why I fell for her mum, which isn't really a bad thing. She's definitely the best thing to come out of the relationship.
Cultivate empathy - put yourself in their shoes
Hmmmm. I did that above and it just astounded me and made me angry that someone could be so devoid of conscience. However, when I was writing the first half - kicked out of home, looking for attention and affection, I did feel a pang of sympathy for her. It must've been a real shock when she was out on her ear. Within a couple of years she went from big house, pony, dad running a successful business to a tiny bungalow, no pony and dad scraping a living together. Shame for her, and her family. I can see why she'd find someone like me appealing, I just can't understand where this inherent disregard for others' feelings comes in. It just doesn't make sense. Was her need for love and security so great that she was willing to get pregnant by someone just to keep food on the table and a roof over her head? I guess I should be flattered that I appeared a good enough person for her to choose to do that to, even if it did tear me apart. The thought occurs that she hasn't really deviated from that pattern much since we split up, that she hasn't really grown up and taken responsibility for her personality issues. I don't believe she's ever sought counselling or help with any of her problems, and I pity her for that. Perhaps she's perpetually that twelve- or thirteen-year old girl that lost her riches, that blamed her dad for taking all her wonderful toys and house and ballet classes away. Maybe her treatment of others is just a reflection of that scared and deprived little girl.
Here I go, psychoanalysing this woman I've hardly spoken to in five years. But I think empathising has helped a little - I know she's a fundamentally nasty person but it's nice to see that it wasn't just aimed at me, and understanding the root causes of it makes it somewhat easier to deal with.
Protect yourself and move on - first time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me
I've protected myself, but too well. I've just avoided relationships completely instead of being open to them and guarding against being manipulated. I hadn't really seen that before last week but it's so clear now. I kept telling myself "When I'm fixed, I'll find someone" but now I've been fixed for a while and I'm still holding myself back. It's right, I do need to move on, I must open myself up to relationships else they'll just never happen. Move on.
"It's important to remember that forgiveness is not the same as condoning the offending action."Interesting. How about, I understand the reasons why she did what she did, I don't have to like them, but I understand her motivations. Can I forgive her? Probably not, at least not yet. I may need some help with that. And that leads me to:
Get help if you need it
Which I may just do. I have a good friend I can talk this through with, and I know they'll be able to help me focus and work it out.
This has been an interesting exercise, for me anyhow. If you've read this far and don't feel like someone's punched you in the stomach, well done. I'm a bit dizzy, but I'll be fine. I certainly feel a lot better about all this than when I started, and that's no bad thing. I do feel a step closer to moving on from this... Just a little more work to do.
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