Ah christ, it's almost comically simple.

I DESERVE TO FORGIVE HER.

She doesn't deserve my forgiveness because she's never earned my respect, never shown an ounce of remorse for what she did. But I deserve to let it all go. If I offer up my forgiveness to the universe, if I let all the strong emotions follow it and free myself of them, I deserve it. I finally deserve to be free of all the heartache, regret, blame, horror, uncertainty, all the ups and downs and stomach-twisting emotions that have haunted me since we met.

I feel like crying. This feels big. I almost want to give myself time to think it over, but part of me is saying "just do it!" What, here? At work. I don't know if I can give it my full attention. Ugh, I feel dizzy and confused now. A part of me doesn't want to let it go, finds it a comfort, an integral part of me. Well fuck you, part of me, I want rid of it. Get it the hell out of me, by whatever means necessary. It's been poisoning me for so long, holding me back and stopping me being the man I'm meant to be.

OK, I'm crying.