about daughter missing Father's Day is the thought that my mum recently told me all three of us completely missed Mother's Day a couple of years ago. I have no memory of that but she swears it happened. I said she should have told us but she said no and wouldn't give a reason. I think it makes perfect sense to tell people these things so they don't happen again.
I guess I got a taste of that medicine on Sunday. I don't think my reaction would have been as strong if it wasn't for the litany of personal slights her mother had committed over the years. I need to consider whether my reaction was justified or out of proportion to the issues.
My gut instinct is that I went too far. I got angry about two things, both of which have been building up; the untidy bedroom for weeks, the Father's Day issues for years. If I'd been upset about one or the other I think I'd have been less reactive and less prone to shout and swear. My actions were fuelled by anger, frustration and disappointment which'd been building for some time, not a balanced and well thought out response to a volatile situation.
I fear I fundamentally scared my daughter, and that's something I'm finding hard to deal with. As I said before I hate seeing her cry especially when I'm the cause. There's a part of me that's pleased I got such important points across with a lot of weight behind them; points that're important to me, anyway. Daughter is hopefully certain she should keep her room tidy and try hard to remember Father's Day in future. However, there's this nagging doubt about the validity and dilution of the message when accompanied by shouting, swearing and scaring.
A fair amount of the work I did in therapy was about anger. As mentioned before I bottled anger up for a long, long time and it contributed in large part to my depression. When I let it out on Sunday I surprised myself by the ferocity of the feeling and how much better I felt when I'd let it out. I surprised myself by carrying on when I noticed daughter getting upset. I wasn't surprised when I was back to normal within twenty minutes - I don't hold grudges or stay pissed off at people because I don't see the point.
My thought at the moment is that I should talk to daughter about my outburst on Sunday. Before I do I need to decide whether I've got anything to apologise for and whether talking to her is a good idea in the first place. It's an interesting episode though, and it's given me plenty to think about.
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