A measured response

Two things bugged me yesterday. Well, three, but while the third contributed to my frustration it is insignificant.

Daughter forgot Father's Day. No-one mentioned it to her, no TV show told her, school didn't remind her, her grandparents or brother and sister didn't say anything and I spent the day stewing, waiting for a call or text or wall post on Facebook. Nothing came. When she returned from visiting her siblings and our plan to go to a local school fete came to nothing, she remarked she could have spent more time with them and I said she could if she wanted, but the second thing that was bugging me was boiling up and I ended up losing my temper.

Earlier in the week I told her she absolutely must tidy her room this weekend. I've told her to do it a number of times recently but let her off doing it in favour of being lenient and hoping she'll realise how much the state of her room is bugging me, take the initiative and tidy it off her own back. When I told her she must do it I said I wouldn't remind her and if she didn't do it she'd be punished.

So, she said she could have spent more time with her brother and sister and I did what came naturally and said she could go back until dinner if she wanted. She said she'd like to but she'd also like to spend some time with me. Without thinking I blurted out "Well it is Father's Day!" and instantly regretted it. She apologised and said she didn't know, and I continued "And you haven't tidied your room," and that's when my temper broke.

I stood up and shouted about how much the state of her room got me down, swore about the mess in a room we have to share, about the effort I put in to get her room absolutely spotless last time and how she promised to keep it clean. I shouted, I swore, I pointed my finger and felt horrible inside as her eyes welled-up and tears started to run down her face. This is her natural reaction to being shouted at and she's told me before she's afraid she's going to be hit when I lose my temper. That's never a danger but I was surprised by the emotional charge which drove my anger.

Over the years that daughter lived with her mum I rarely got anything for Father's Day. Sometimes a text message, rarely a phone call, often nothing at all. Once I found out that her mum got her to sign a card for her step-dad but nothing for me. Back then I asked daughter whether she thought I might like a happy Father's Day and she apologised for not thinking of me. But it hurt, a lot. I was regularly made out to be a bad person by her mother, a second-rate father. Less important than her immediate family, a disposable child-support machine with no emotions to effect. I guess I can forgive daughter that as it wasn't truly her fault, but the hurt I felt yesterday is linked to all the strife I experienced over the years with her mother.

As for her room, it got tidied. I barred her from returning to her siblings as punishment and she stayed in for the afternoon and cleaned her room. I was back to normal within twenty minutes, but I left her to it until it was time to eat and although I could see she was upset we smiled and laughed and joked and things seemed to get back to normal. I helped her sort her drawers and get old clothes together for charity and we ended the afternoon pretty happy. I don't hold grudges or stay grumpy in these situations because it just seems pointless and I want daughter to know that anger is a short-term emotion.

Next time I won't remind her about her room, and I probably shouldn't have done this time. It would have been better to let her forget and to follow-through on my announced intention to punish her if it wasn't done by the end of the weekend. I've made it clear, though, that next time her rooms gets bad I'll take her phone away for a week and the time after that I'll ground her for a week as well. Hopefully that'll be deterrent enough that she keeps her stuff in order from now on.

I'm a little surprised, disappointed and afraid of the scale of my loss of temper. It's the biggest anger I've felt since finishing therapy, the most emotive and perhaps somewhat damaging to the recipient, although I do feel it got how upset and disappointed I was across to the person who caused it. My concern is that it might not have been a measured response to the situation, but I guess it's an expression of how I felt and quantifying that, especially after the event, is hard. Inside I'm almost naughtily pleased I managed to let it out and that daughter saw how frustrated I was with her untidyness. But there's a large part of me which hates to see her cry, especially if I'm the cause.