Stumbling blocks

After almost twelve years dreaming of waking my daughter up for school every morning and cooking dinner with her and helping her with her homework in the evenings, I finally have the opportunity to take her on full time. Having spent the past few years worried whether her mother was at all capable of being a stable and dependable role model for our child, she's proven that she can't and I'm here to take that responsibility.

So why am I frozen to the spot like a scared deer in the sights of a clumsy hunter?

I'm supposed to have contacted social services and got things moving in terms of financial support and an application for housing but I've procrastinated for more than a week. It's only slowly dawning on me what I'm feeling and why.

I'm scared. Apprehensive. Uncertain and insecure of my own ability to carry this all through.

So, what's stopping me? Primarily, I'm very scared that I'll get my hopes up, take the decision to go ahead with the massive undertaking it's going to be, and her mother will come along and fuck it all up. I can definitely see this happening. She's already told daughter she would never let me have full residency of her, which I think is a cruel and disturbing thing to tell a child. From her past actions, I can see her mother doing everything in her power to screw things up for me just to get her daughter back on her side. She can be incredibly manipulative and aggressive and it really wouldn't surprise me if I had a huge fight on my hands sometime over the next few months.

I think that's my biggest fear. I know daughter still hopes and dreams that her mum will sort her life out and give her what she wants, what she needs, but if I'm honest with myself I can never see that happening, at least not without massive amounts of counselling for her mother and plenty of time for her to correct the mistakes she's made over the past ten years.

Personally, I've spent the past two years trying to get things right. From more than a decade of crippling depression and everything I've managed to screw up along the way, including friendships, jobs, relationships, bank accounts and financial obligations, I've tried my hardest to claw my way back to being level-headed, financially responsible and perhaps, dare I say it, a little grown-up?

Despite all this, and despite motivation from the outside that I'm doing the right thing and I'm capable of following through, I still have horrible doubts and even the thought of putting letters in the post or clicking 'send' on an email gives me the willies.

I suppose it's a little like a bungee or parachute jump. I know I'd be bloody terrified standing on the threshold of jumping, but the thrill and benefit I'd get from it would make taking the plunge totally worth it. I need to take that philosophy and apply it to my current situation...

But I can already feel myself tensing up...