When I thought about discussing this possibly being the start of the changes she'd indicated she wanted, the phrase 'That's not exactly what I meant' popped into my head and I suggested we talk about what her intentions were so we were both clear.
It was at this point that my mood shifted considerably from up high to down low. Daughter said that her advocate had misunderstood what she'd meant. The whole deal was to be prefixed with 'If it turns out I can't live with mum...' meaning she wanted to carry on as it is at the moment with a view to moving back with her mum full time once her and her boyfriend had sorted their lives out. She hadn't wanted to tell me I'd got the wrong end of the stick because she didn't want to upset me.
It took a while for the whole thing to sink in but I felt my mood crash straight away. Bless my daughter, she asked if I was ok and it must have been obvious from my face that I wasn't. I was incredibly disappointed, having gone from sure things were sorted to things being up in the air and uncertain all over again in a very short time. After all these months of being strong for her and trying not to show when I'm upset or angry or feeling low, I couldn't keep it in any more. I had to stop myself from crying and hide my disappointment - daughter got upset because she thought it was her fault, when really it was just my reaction to a string of misunderstandings.
Daughter told advocate something which was misunderstood, passed on to me, then to grandma, who also passed it on to me. What a pain in the arse.
I'd like to think it's noone's fault, but I can't help feeling daughter made a couple of bad decisions which if made differently would have stopped me from getting hurt. If she'd have been more vocal and assertive in her intentions at the start then the misunderstandings wouldn't have compounded and I wouldn't have had a chance to get my hopes up.
Of course, the fact that she didn't assert her opinion at the start is a factor of everything that's happened to her over the past few months, so I don't blame her. Her confidence is shot and that's one of the reasons I'd like to get her some counselling - so she can gain the tools she needs to deal with the life she's got.
I've subsequently gone through many emotions, but chiefly anger. Since I've managed to unleash that side of my personality, anger seems to bubble up quite often when I should probably be feeling other emotions. It's constant, bubbling, ambient frustration and tension and it's really difficult to put up with. I've had it for a couple of days now and it doesn't feel like it's shifting. It's one of the reasons I'm writing this - to try and clear up my head a little bit.
The thought occurs that it's another attitude 'thing'. Ugh, what a horrible way of putting it.
Maybe it's the way I'm looking at it. Nothing's fundamentally changed since five days ago; all that's happened is mood swings for me. Yes, I've been to the top and back down to the bottom, but isn't it time to get back to the middle and pick up where we left off?
Probably, but I can't shake the feeling I've been hurt. Maybe a combination of sleep, exercise and attitude readjustment is needed to get me back on track.
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