A few days later and now that the dust has settled following the events of last Thursday, things are no clearer. Fortunately my mind has calmed down somewhat, letting my anger dissipate and my emotions sort themselves out.
A massively positive step in all this mess is that daughter has had the first session with her counsellor - a lady I've seen myself for support in the past - and seemed to get on quite well, so much so she's really looking forward to her next appointment. I've decided to send her weekly if possible - it's expensive but if it's working towards making daughter mentally stronger, more confident and able to deal with and express her feelings it's worth every single penny.
I'd felt a big urge to talk to someone myself recently. I've felt really mentally overloaded but I'm starting to feel like I'm coming out the other side. It's been the first time since I finished my counselling where I've noticed old habits and reactions rearing their heads, such as comfort eating, underlying moods of anger or feeling very low, regular sighing and a buzzing head. I'm not sure what's changed over the past day or so - maybe my attitude a little, maybe some acceptance and a target of Saturday to hang out with my best friend and spill my brains - figuratively speaking, what with it being Halloween. Writing the blog also helps massively, so I'm here today to work out my thoughts on what action to take next.
It's absolutely clear to me from the past couple of year's evidence that daughter's mother is unstable. She can't hold down a job, her relationships usually end with her partner being torn apart, her kids don't trust her and can't depend on her words or actions, she's apparently claiming huge tax credits illegally and supposedly still has an addiction to codiene tablets.
With all that said, what's stopping me from taking firm action to keep our daughter in my care? Assuming her mum's been smart enough to hide away some of her ill-gotten gains to get her own house, there's a danger she'll make a play to take daughter back full-time. So what's stopping me?
Firstly, daughter's choice would probably be to live with her mum and although that may have changed somewhat due to recent events, but it's probably still the case. While this has been really difficult to deal with in the past, now it'd be even harder given my complete confidence that her mum would fuck it all up again and daughter's life would fall apart, AGAIN.
In recent times, I've given daughter's wishes and requirements number one priority because she's old enough and mature enough to make major decisions which effect her life. I've not wanted to take those decisions out of her hands and make them myself for fear of having her resent me for it, or having a massive backlash from her mother.
This is another thing stopping me from taking action. Her mother is notoriously catty, aggressive and will stop at nothing to get her own way. She's already told daughter that there's no way she'd let me have full custody of her - what the fuck is up with telling her that? Jesus, the woman baffles me sometimes. However, with the involvement of social services, solicitors and the legal system, I can't see they'd do anything other than give me full custody based on her mum's actions over the past few years. I've made every effort to keep my life as stable as possible for the past two years - not that it was particularly unstable before but mentally I wasn't healthy before my counselling.
The last thing holding me back is concerns about gaining financial aid for legal costs. My income is small so I'd qualify for legal aid, but my financial past is murky and my tax returns aren't up to date. I've been debt-free for some time now, which I'm proud of, but I'm not looking forward to any financial scrutiny I'll have to go through to get legal aid. I definitely couldn't afford to do it off my own back.
Writing these little hurdles out has shown me they are just that - little hurdles. They're not insurmountable. The whole thing is incredibly daunting and dependent on many external factors. I haven't even decided it's the path I want to take yet. But I'm starting to feel like I'm strong enough to start the journey should it come to it.
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