It rang a peal of bells in my head as I've been coming round to that concept. Because for the first time since my counselling ended, I am low.
I've had my off-days here and there, which everyone does, but I've always felt able to cope and see better in the next day. For the past week, though, I've felt progressively more down.
I can see something of a pattern in my behaviour and events around me that are contributing to my grey days.
First, my situation to work, and my attitude towards it have both changed. I've been backed into taking on more responsibility than I want, more than I would allow myself to be forced into because I knew my boss would try. So I grudgingly do the extra work, hating every minute and poisoning the rest of my work day. My attitude's changed because of this.
I know my mood's been affected by a few days off work last week, a combination of a cold and snow putting pay to three days at work, therefore no wages for those missed. I spent most of the three days with the curtains drawn dossing on the computer or watching shit daytime tv - the latter being enough to destroy anyone's soul, I guess. I did go for a couple of beautiful walks in the snow, which really lifted me - I need to listen to my own advice and walk more.
I've noticed a gradual increase in my attraction to junk food and alcohol. This certainly isn't a good sign. However, the above Post-it seems to have made a difference in my way of thinking. While shopping yesterday, I was incredibly close to picking up a couple of munchie items, but held back. I still bought cider but only drank half a bottle - just under two pints - and put the other half aside for another day... maybe tonight, maybe not.
There's stuff going on with daughter, too. She's moving house for about the fifteenth time in her life - she's twelve by the way - and I'm not sure how she'll adjust to having a third major father figure in her life. Things have settled down for her at school though, and despite not being completely happy at home she seems a little brighter than before Christmas. We just celebrated her birthday too - a bunch of baking and cooking, a couple of DVDs and some quality 'us' time was just what I needed.
So there are a few 'ups' in this down, but I keep feeling waves of darkness washing over me. I'm becoming more aware of how I've fallen out of touch with all the good practices I learned during my counselling, as I've gradually fallen back to many of my old ways. However, writing this out has given me a clue as to how I need to proceed to get things back on track:
- I should sort out my diet. Eating shit food makes for a shit body and shit mind.
- I should exercise more. I know deep down that not exercising is not only bad for my body - my mind suffers greatly. I'm trying to get set on a charity that encourages people to get outside and exercise to combat their depressive symptoms, and I have difficulty following my own convictions. THIS MUST CHANGE!
- I need to find more satisfying work. I love many of the people I work with - employees and customers alike - but I told myself I'd only work here for six months, for the very reason that the management are king-sized cockmunchers. I'm approaching one year here, and it's doing my head in. Time to move on. It's incredibly tempting to put the current financial climate in as a barrier to achieving this, but there must be work out there somewhere.
- I must get the charity properly set-up and active in my locality. This is a serious priority. Since I took the decision to put off the hitch-hike around the country, and since my collaborator has virtually switched-off, my enthusiasm for the project has dwindled. This is classic 'me', and I promised myself I'd see this project through. Time to be true to myself and get things moving.
So... despite being low and crappy, writing this out has once again helped immeasurably in examining exactly how I feel, the reasons why, and what I should do about it.
Now, let's see if I can act, like I know I should instead of burying my head in the sand and giving up, like I'm scared I will.
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