Streeeessss

So work is shit, as ever. How many of these posts are about work being shit? How many of them profess a desire to get the fuck out of here, to apply myself more, to get something that makes me feel valued and where I'm paid what I'm worth, somewhere I can be proud of what I achieve on each shift, somewhere I don't dread getting out of bed for and watch the clock until it's time to leave every single day.

How many of my posts say that? Too many. It makes me wonder what the issue is with me actually getting off my arse and doing something about it.

I don't know what I want to do
and doing anything at all takes me out of my comfort zone and into the big unknown world. I need a job that fires up my brain and excites me and fulfils me and makes me want to get up in the morning and go achieve shit. I want to be motivated, I want to be successful, I want to make a difference. Ultimately I'll get there, and I want to work harder on getting the charity moving this year so there's momentum there. It fulfils me so much that I want to make it a bigger part of my life, but at the same time I must earn a wage and for that to happen I need to be out working. The charity will unlikely ever be worth much financially, but it has so many other benefits that its currency will be self-esteem, making a difference, helping people and making lives a percentage better.

Working out what I want to do is key. I need to sit down with a pen and paper and go through industries and jobs and careers and see where I want to take myself. The world is still there waiting for me to make a difference, and I'm lucky to have the choice. I wonder why it doesn't fundamentally feel that way though.

I've fucked a few jobs up in my time
due to self-destructive depression, lack of focus and self-worth. This is all behind me now but I'm terrified of getting a job I like and messing it up again. I know the likelihood of this is low because I'm self-aware and… hang on, I know why I have an issue with this in particular. It's because I know I was judged last time I fucked a job up. My brother recommended me to my old boss, I let him and everyone in the company down and I know my brother judged me for it. I found an email from that period while going through my stuff recently; it was from my brother after I'd confessed my situation to my boss, lord knows why I printed it but it basically said "I don't understand depression, to me it seems like something doctors say you've got then you start believing it" and demeaned my experience. His judgement hurts because he's successful and driven and well-off and doesn't ever seem to have put a foot wrong. He's smart and on-the-case yet his empathy for my feelings and state of mind in the past have been absolutely zero. Part of my fear is that if try again and fail he'll judge me again – and he will – but what I have to ask myself is whether his judgement should bother me at all and, if so, whether my current situation could be judged less worthwhile than trying again and failing.

I'm not totally sure I'm worth more
despite all the work I've been doing on myself to improve my self-esteem, despite renewed confidence in myself as a person and my abilities as a parent, employee, partner and human being. I still doubt myself and my abilities. I put this down somewhat to having sat in this stinking job for the past three years and not learning any new skills. I know my brain isn't as sharp as it once was, simply because I cannot just pick up my guitar and learn a new song any more. I don't remember fluid chord patterns any more, lyrics don't stick in my head like they used to and my ability to write beats and melodies has dwindled simply because I'm not using those skills. I know this is just one area but I fear it reflects my whole brain and that I'm less capable of learning things than I once was. I'd put this down to age but I know that's bullshit and an excuse: it's simply because I'm out of practice and haven't been using the learning part of my brain for so long. I used to be shit-hot, on-the-case and know my stuff, I was dynamic and logical and someone people turned to, to get stuff sorted. Now I'm none of those things and I doubt my ability to get there again.

I need to get my brain back into gear. How the fuck do I do that? I guess I need training, get into some workshops or courses or anything to get my brain back to running speed. It's like an old engine I guess, it'll take a while to get going, maybe it'll need some oil or a little adjustment to get it turning over, but once it does it'll run for ages.

There's a lot more to talk about, but I'm finding it difficult to express it. I need to sit and talk to someone about it really. Each one of these past posts ends with "So now I'm motivated to go and do something about it." Despite going through things again above, I still wonder if that's really true this time.
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