When I was about 25, I was laying some tongue-and-groove flooring in my parent's kitchen. I'd never been brilliant at these hands-on DIY jobs but as I'd been much more hands-on at work I thought it'd be reasonably easy. Measure, cut, tap into place, done.
After a while I realised that I needed a specific tool to allow me to hammer the grooved edges without damaging the wood. I bodged something but it made the job much trickier than I thought it would be.
After a while I became frustrated, then angry. I growled and barked and my mum said "Don't get angry, it won't solve anything." This served to make me more angry. I just couldn't understand why you'd tell someone who was angry not to be. Wouldn't that just enrage them?
The incident has stuck in my mind for years but I've never realised why. Since reading a book on listening and communication skills, it's become much more clear. When I expressed my anger, the only thing I wanted from my mum was recognition, acceptance, maybe "I can see how that might frustrate you." By being told not to get angry, I was being denied my right to feel something completely natural by possibly the most influential person in my life.
Having an angry husband, it was reasonable for my mum to react in the way she did, but I'm sure people don't realise the damage they do when they tell others not to feel a particular way. I hope I've learned to let people express how they feel, because they feel it regardless of my desire to calm them down or cheer them up, and to dispute their right to emote will push them away.
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